Why Galbatorix is Lame
by alsdssg
Summary: Title is pretty selfexplanitory. I wrote it when I was bored so please don't take it as an insult to Eragon.
1. Galby

Why Galbatorix Is Lame

It's my first fanfic. Sorry if it sucks. I really don't hate Eragon and Eldest. Those are two of my favorite books. I wrote this when I was bored, and this is definitely one of the saner things I've done in the midst of boredom so….

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon. Please don't sue me. I am poor, even though my family is not.

He stays at home for decades. Hello? I mean, get out once in a while, man.

He won't do his own dirty work. (Morzan, other Foresworn, the Ra'zac and Lethrblaka, Durza, Murtagh) There's more, but I'm writing longhand and hate hand cramps.

His "strongest" ally was a drunken sword-chucker who beat his own girlfriend and got killed by and old storyteller.

Two of his "best" magicians were skinny, bald, nameless, twins who were too dumb to notice that there was a guy who was ready to bash their brains out with a hammer was right behind the. (Point for Roran. Woot! Woot!)

He couldn't even get Murtagh to do everything he wanted him to WITH his true name. Murtagh didn't capture Eragon even though he could have, and he didn't tell the twins about the crazy hammer guy. (Point for Murtagh. Woot! Woot!)

His nickname is Galby. Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

He beat the wounded leader of the riders by kicking him between the legs.

He's too damn lazy to get rid of the Varden and Surda. He has to send help to get rid of them.

He's literally insane.

He's been in denial about whose fault his dragon's death is for over 100 years.

He's lost half his army to a bunch of trees and rocks (a.k.a. the Spine).

It took 100 years to get a dragon egg to hatch.

He has to make everyone join him.

He's going to be killed by a hormonal teenager and his hormonal dragon in the next book.

He couldn't get rid of the elves and the dwarves.

His armies have been defeated by outnumbered underdogs at least twice in the past year.

He stares WAY too much.

He's nosy and irritating in an evil way, and he's always reading people's minds. Jesus Christ, get a life.

He let a creepy home-schooled 15-year old write about him.

He's banned all the good stories and replaced them with lame ones.

He likes bugs. (The Ra'zac look like beetles, and they work for him. Ugh.)

He got rid of almost all the awesome dragons and werecats.

Everyone who works for him dies. (This is probably because he makes them do his dirty work.)

It's his fault his subjects are poor and illiterate.

He won't just die already.

He's been beaten by Mary Sues many, many times in fanfiction.

He's never had a girlfriend (at least to our knowledge).

He could be a transsexual for all we know because he never comes out of his damn palace.

A bunch of untrained villagers got away from his soldiers and the Ra'zac.

He's a generic, copyrighted villain.

Thanks, Allie, for helping me with numbers 27-29.

I actually like Galbatorix as a villain. I was just in the mood to write a comedy fic. Sorry if you don't enjoy. (I know I say sorry too much.)


	2. AN

A.N.

Okay. I wasn't sure if people would like this fic, and I've gotten seven reviews that were fairly positive. I'm happy. I'm thinking about making lists of 30 reasons as to why other Eragon characters are lame. Tell me what you think about this, and if you like it, tell me whom you would like me to make fun of in the next chapter. Majority rules!

P.S. Lots of people told me that Christopher Paolini isn't creepy. Sorry about that. It's a joke between my friend and I.


	3. Twins

Ch.3

Disclaimer: I still don't own Eragon. sobs hysterically

I have decided to make fun of the twins.

1. They betrayed the awesome Varden for the lame Galbatorix.

2. They also stare WAY too much.

3. They hurt Murtagh. Gah!

4. They hurt Eragon. Once again, Gah!

5. They're men in drag.

6. They were too dumb to notice that Roran was going to bash their brains out with a hammer. The other twin didn't even save himself after his brother was killed.

7. They are no doubt victims of male pattern baldness.

8. They could turn sideways and disappear.

9. They caused Ajihod's death. Yet again, Gah!

10. They talk to themselves in public.

11. The only people (besides old, lame Galby) who would hire them were desperate for help.

12. They had to make the Urgals do their dirty work in Farthen Dur.

13. They couldn't beat Eragon using their combined powers.

14. They underestimate EVERYONE.

15. Eragon learned more than they did in one year than they did in God only knows how many years.

16. They're diry, rotten, (see Eragon's curses for the twins in Eldest, not really sure which page) traitors.

17. They have no names.

18. They may not be humans, elves, or dwarves.

19. They have already been killed by a hormonal, dragon-less teen with zero magic.

20. They have creepy smiles.

21. They work for Galby. Need I say more?

22. Everyone hates their guts.

23. They're afraid to pick on someone their own size.

24. They allowed a fifteen year old to have them killed by the teenager mentioned in 19.

25. They couldn't break into Murtagh's mind even when he didn't have magic.

I could only think of 25. I still think they're lamer than Galby. It could just be that I hate them more. Here's the ballot for next chappie:

A.)Vanir

B.) Roran

C.)Katrina

D.) Morzan

E.) Ra'zac

F.) Eragon

G.) Oromis

Vote. Majority wins.


	4. Vanir

Ch. 4

Dear Readers,

I have gotten so many reviews that are uncannily like this one: He is not creepy his brilliant! Other than that, the story's funny. I never said that Chris wasn't brilliant. I love Eragon and Eldest. Brilliant people can be creepy. Emily Dickenson was a recluse. Archimedes, who discovered Pi and buoyancy, ran naked through the streets yelling, "Eureka!" Howard Hughes, who made significant contributions to aviation, went through a phase where he wouldn't clip his toenails and died insane. These examples all prove that brilliant people can be creepy; they just contribute more than stupid, creepy people. I don't think C P is that brilliant or that creepy. There's just something about him that makes me wanna check the locks on my windows and doors.

Alsdssg

P.S. I chose Vanir. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.

1. He has serious envy issues.

2. Saphira "killed" him in about two seconds. (Point for Saphira. Woot! Woot!)

3. He kept his arm broken to get pity points. (I give him none since he gave Eragon, whose injury was far worse, none.)

4. Many of my readers think he's a prick (to use your exact words).

5. He's a racist prig. (He hates Eragon for being human.)

6. He makes fun of sick people. (That's almost as bad as making fun of dead people.)

7. He's afraid of smiling.

8. He is over one hundred and has still failed to grow up.

9. His last name means "thorn apple".

10. His mind's undisciplined (to use Oromis' exact words).

11. He talks the talk but won't walk the walk.

12. He won't fight Galby event though he says he could do this better than Eragon.

13. He could only beat Eragon because he was an elf.

14. He was too arrogant to realize number 13 was true.

15. He couldn't make up his own song like Nari to praise Eragon; he had to use someone else's words. (Point for Nari. Woot! Woot!)

16. If we accept number 15 as true, he is not only uncreative; he's a copy cat.

17. He's sat around for the last century waiting for Galby to kill him.

18. I un-affectionately refer to him as Vanity Smurf.

19. His made fun of somebody whose sword was cooler than his was. (Alright, I don't actually know what his sword looks like, but what sword can beat Zar'roc in coolness?)

20. He respects the dragon but not the rider.

21. His disses suck.

22. He likes making people mad.

23. His friends turned on him because Saphira dissed him.

24. If we accept number 23 as true, old Vanity Smurf has no friends.

25. It took him FOREVER to get the balls to openly diss Eragon.

26. Eragon kicked his sorry ass soon after this. (Point for Eragon. Woot! Woot!)

27. He let me diss him in this fic.

28. He's easy to diss.

29. He's fun to diss.

30. He's pompous and spoiled.

31. My readers and I came up with 30 disses for him besides this one. (Point for us. Woot! Woot!)

32. He got more disses than Galby and the twins.

Thank you crzychick Christina for helping me with numbers 2, 3, and 30.

Here's the ballot for next chappie:

Morzan

Ra'zac


	5. Ra'zac

Ch.5

The Ra'zac won. Morzan's next. Now, on with ficcie and disclaimer. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: All who think that I own Eragon or Lord of the Rings, please, say, "Aye." Anyone who just said, "Aye," please, go get a psychiatric evaluation.

They are UGLIER than sin.

They are so ugly, they make Quasimodo look dead sexy. And THAT'S saying something.

They're fat.

They work for lame old Galby, who was stabbed in the man boob in xo-MidnightSun-ox's story.

They eat people! Talk about bad taste in food.

They look like beetles! EW! EW! EW!

They're afraid of water.

They're afraid of sunlight. How weird can you get?

They ride their parents. That is just plain weird.

One of the aforementioned parents was shot by an untrained villager from very far away.

If we except number ten as true, then their parents are very bad at dodging arrows shot by untrained villagers from very far away.

If we except number 11 as true, then the Ra'zac could've inherited their parents' bad dodging abilities.

They have the world's worst case of halitosis.

They kick and scream a lot.

They, much like the twins, are men in drag.

Provided of course, that the Ra'zac are actually men. We wouldn't know.

They scream like girls.

Provided, once again, that they are guys. I wouldn't know. I don't think any girl, even me who is one of the most curious girls in the world, would not be willing to check.

They allow their parents to follow them around while they kill people. (Thank you Gothichickie for that one.)

We have no clue what they actually are. Are they human, vegetable, or mineral? According to Oromis, they are none of the above.

Vanir barely beat them in votes, and they swept Morzan.

Their own allies (lame old Galby's soldiers) couldn't stand to work for them.

They talk by hissing, clicking, and spitting. How weird is that?

They are rip-offs from the Nazgul.

They too are going to be killed by a hormonal teenager, his hormonal dragon, his hormonal dragon-less teenager, and possibly the aforementioned hormonal teenager-with-a-dragon's love/lust object who happens to be a complete Mary-Sue.

26. If we accept this as true, then their end will be lamer than Galby's. And THAT is saying something

27. They live in a stupid, deserted mountain that the people in a stupid, dirt-poor city worship.

28. The people in the aforementioned city send sacrifices of HUMANS to them! More bad taste in food.

29. They will eventually look like their bat-like parents and possibly be even uglier. And THAT'S saying something.

30. Their parents are rip-offs of the fell beast.

How did you like this chappie? Review!


	6. Morzan

Ch.6

I already said I was gonna do Morzan. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: WTF? I have to this again? I swear to God I don't own Eragon, Libba Bray's books, Seinfeld, or Lord of the Rings. If I did, I'd be rich.

He gets way too drunk way too much.

He beats his own girlfriend.

He was killed by an old, half-crazy storyteller who didn't even have his dragon anymore. How lame is that?

He goes around chucking swords at defenseless three-year olds whom he f---in' fathered.

He was dumb enough to listen to lame old Galby.

If we accept number 5 as true, then he is lamer than lame old Galby. (I refuse to say, "And that's saying something," again. It is though.)

He was too dumb to realize the aforementioned girlfriend was pregnant. AGAIN!

He's the prick we all love to hate.

He named his sword. I'm sorry, but why must men name their swords?

He named it misery. Can't you come up with something creative? "Anduil, flame of the west" perhaps? (Woot! Woot! Point for Aragorn. Even though you named your sword.)

I have so many good nicknames for him.

He who inflicts misery by breathing. (Thank you Libba Bray, author of Rebel Angels.)

Morzy.

Morzan, Lord of the Idiots.

Toady's Toad.

Lamey's Lamo

Sword-chucker

_Drunk_ sword-chucker

_Seriously pissed_ sword-chucker (Pissed is a British expression for drunk.)

_Inebriated_ sword-chucker

I came up with nine nicknames. Don't you love how many different fun ways there are to say drunk?

He couldn't even beat the aforementioned half-crazy old story-teller with his dragon's help.

He went hunting for dragon eggs just like Mr. Crocker in "Fairly Odd Parents" except for fairies, not dragon eggs.

He couldn't an egg back from the twice aforementioned story-teller and his scholar/merchant/bibliophile friend. And this was with help from his Forsworn not-palls.

He couldn't be friends with his fellow Toady's Toadies (a.k.a. the Forsworn).

He's so stupid I bet he takes stupid pills with his daily alcohol.

He turned on his former friends to listen to lame old Galby.

I've got more nicknames.

Dimwit

Dingbat

Knum knum

Dodo

Dum Dum (Thank you, Mrs. Hummel.)

Okay. Thank you for your positive reviews. Here's the ballot for next chapter.

Eragon

Sloan

Arya


	7. Arya

Ch.7

I have finally chosen Arya. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: eu não próprio Eragon. There, I said it in Portuguese. I don't actually speak Portuguese, but translators on Google help.

1. She can't get over her long dead guard Faolin.

2. She fought with her mother for eighty years.

3. This is because she got a tattoo.

4. She's the world's biggest Sue.

5. She had to pick on human with little magic by beating him in a duel. Thanks Sedora.

6. It is my personal belief that she is an elf-cyborg programmed to make Eragon's life miserable and all die-hard Eragon fan-girls jealous. (Personally I'm a Murtagh fan-girl, but I'm sure she makes Eragon fan-girls jealous.)

7. Someone is missing sympathy glands. Guess who.

8. I have never seen someone who needs Dr. Phil more. (Except perhaps Murtagh, who is very hot but admittedly crazy.)

9. She has no feelings.

10. She has anger issues. What girl breaks a tablet because some guy saw them as beautiful?

11. She's a stupid heart-breaker.

12. She makes fun of other people's religion in their temples no less.

13. The human mentioned in number 4 (tired and with a back injury this time) beat a shade who kicked her butt in the beginning of the book. (Woot! Woot! Point for Eragon!) Thanks again Sedora.

14. Lyokolady thinks she's a rip off of every elf in history especially Arwen and I agree.

15. Mary-Sue's are said to be made to satisfy the author's ego or be the author's perfect lover. Arya's a Sue. Poor Paolini. He's either gay or in want of a girl he just can't have. I think it's the latter, personally.

16. She's so perfect she could make a multi-gendered crowd multi-task through the seven deadly sins. (I got the multi-tasking thing out of a Sports Illustrated article my brother made me listen to.) The guys would lust and be gluttonous. The girls would envy, get angry, and be gluttonous.

17. In her defense against fifteen, she would stomp out pride. stops and reads line Wait, that's not a defense.

18. She couldn't forgive a guy who swore his undying love for her while he was as good as drunk. More anger issues.

19. She jumps to conclusions. Thanks, Lyokolady.

20. She laughed when Eragon told her she was beautiful. How about a thank you? Geesh. What a filthy ingrate!

21. She was afraid when she realized some guy was in love with her.

22. She should be destined to die an old spinster with a house full of cats. (I actually like cats.)

23. She's immortal so number twenty-one won't work. It just makes her more of a Sue cause it's not gonna happen.

24. She's going to fall in love with the hormonal dragon rider she has constantly rejected in the next book.

25. Said rider is less than one fifth of her age. And people made fun of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Seriously.

26. She was rescued by the aforementioned hormonal teenage dragon-rider, his hormonal dragon, and his hot, but slightly messed up, older brother.

27. She fits in with nobody. She's too serious to fit in with most humans, she's too frivolous to fit in with the elves, and the dwarves all hate her because she bashed their religion.

28. She's still too serious.

29. She made Eragon tell her about Elva, which caused him great pain.

30. She cussed him out after this.

31. She then had the nerve to say that she was responsible for his actions, and the whole Elva thing was her fault because she should have known that Eragon was too dumb too know better.

32. She therefore called the guy who loved her stupid and irresponsible.

33. She's a princess, and she couldn't get the crotchety old sword-maker to respect her.

34. I've had people begging me to mock her for chapters.

I hope you liked it. Here's the ballot for next chapter.

A.Sloan

B. Eragon


	8. Sloan

Ch.8

Sloan won. Do you want me to save Eragon for the end of this series, or should I do him next? I'll give you a ballot with Eragon on it at the end of the chapter.

P.S. Summerset, I really want to know if you're the only member of the alsdssg sucks balls club. I haven't received reviews from the other members. If you're still reviewing, kindly answer this question. Also, tell me exactly why I'm a slut/whore/bitch. I hope you realize I didn't say Christopher Paolini was gay. I said he was longing for a girl he couldn't have. I also think it was extremely funny how bad at grammar you were in your review.

Disclaimer: You know the drill. Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you. Eragon and Seinfeld that is.

He is a useless butcher.

He too is afraid of trees and rocks (a.k.a. the Spine).

He gave his own daughter to the seriously lame Ra'zac so that she wouldn't have to go near the aforementioned trees and rocks.

He also did this so that she wouldn't marry Roran. I've never been a dad and never will be because I'm a girl, but I really think someone has their priorities mixed up. She'd really be safer with Roran.

He has a grudge against Eragon's family for no apparent reason.

He wouldn't sell Eragon meat because Saphira's egg came from the now thrice mentioned trees and rocks.

He has no sense of value, especially when it comes to dragon eggs.

He told the Ra'zac that Eragon had said egg.

Therefore, it is his fault Garrow is dead.

It is also his fault the boy he hated became a glorified rider.

This also makes it is his fault the hot, sweet farm boy he doesn't want his daughter to marry is poor.

He killed one of his fellow villagers so that the Ra'zac could take his daughter. More need to sort out his priorities.

He is as dumb as Morzan.

He made his future son-in-law so mad that said son-in-law knocked him down. (Woot! Woot! Point for Roran.)

He deserves the title Lord of the Idiots as much as Morzan.

He swept Eragon in votes.

He's a nonentity in Eragon.

He's a meathead, slovenliest provincial. (I got that line from the Money Pit, which, guess what, I don't own.)

He's butt ugly in my mind. Not as ugly as the Ra'zac, but you get my drift.

He carries a bunch of sharp pointy objects with him at all times.

He's so selfish I want to spit on him. Spits. That felt good.

He should all fathers feel better about themselves.

He is fun to poke.

He can't do anything about said poking.

Wow. His face is turning purple because I keep poking and he can't stop me. This is fun. (I solemnly swear that I will never get sugar high again if I don't have any sugar.)

He has severe anger issues.

He has separation anxiety from his daughter.

He too needs doctor fill.

His eyes are the color as lame, old Galby. Poor, poor useless butcher. NOT!

He got the same number of disses as lame, old Galby.

Here's the ballot for next chappie.

Roran

Eragon

Katrina

Oromis


	9. Roran

Ch.9

Roran won. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Do you really think I own Eragon, Seinfeld, or Harry Potter? Really?

He frickin punched his future father-in-law. To paraphrase Ron, how thick could you get?

His great love is a Sue.

He has serious anger issues. I know I've used this one before, but it's true.

It took him forever to propose to said Sue.

He kept blaming Eragon for things that really weren't his fault. As Lyokolady said, was he gonna walk in the kitchen holding Saphira with a big smile on his face saying, "Hey, I've got a dragon."?

It took him forever to forgive Eragon, who offered to help him rescue his fiancée.

He is a hormonal dragon-less teenager with zero magic.

He too is spittably selfish.

He got his fiancée robbed of her inheritance.

His fiancée is desperate.

He's just a bit pathetically devoted to her.

He goes around hitting people on the head with a hammer. Get a sword.

He expects people to believe his parents named him Stronghammer.

He almost got his entire village eaten by the lame Ra'zac or enslaved by lame, old Galby.

He almost abandoned his village, which he got in trouble in the first place, to go get his fiancée out of Helgrind.

He was too dumb too realize Eragon was hiding something from him.

He was too dumb to realize it was Sloan's fault that Katrina was kidnapped.

He didn't use said hammer on the Ra'zac.

He took the advice of a God-only-knows-how-old song to get said hammer.

It wasn't actually his hammer.

He stole from a random blacksmith.

He made the villagers go through trees and rocks they were all afraid of.

Some of them died because of this. They were old farts but still.

He was mad at Eragon for not sacrificing himself and dying when he wouldn't do that either.

He took a complete idiot into Teirm with himself and a couple other villagers.

This would've cost them their lives if Jeod hadn't been so awesome.

He expected people to believe that you need a hammer to crack pottery glaze.

He is yet another who deserves the title Lord of the Idiots.

He expected to kill four extremely lame and dangerous Tolkien rip-offs with a hammer.

He swept Eragon, his desperate fiancée, and Eragon's teacher in votes.

He had to interrupt a dragon rider's very important mission to ask for help saving his desperate fiancée.

I have decided to do review responses!

Mouse: As you can see, I picked Roran. Thank you for your help on 16 and 17.

Rolling Thunder 420: I think I'm gonna do Eragon last. Thanks for help with 18. I think I'm gonna use your Katrina basher when I do her.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Yeah, she is. Sorry I didn't do her this chapter.

Sedoras: I agree with all the things you said about Eragon. Like I said he's last chapter. To the P.S.: thanks. I'm glad you thought so. To the P.P.S.: thanks. It's number 31.

Lyokolady: Thanks. Plus, thanks for your help with 5 and 8.

Amantine: Thanks. I agree with you on Roran. It's number 3.

And here's the ballot:

Katrina

Oromis

Saphira


	10. Katrina

Ch.10

Katrina won. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I'm saying it cause we all know it by heart.

She couldn't stand up to her father.

She got the big blacksmith to help Eragon get meat from her lame father. (Thanks to Amantine for numbers 1 and 2.)

She's Sloan's daughter. (I know this can't be helped, but this fic isn't about empathy.)

She is the stereotypical damsel-in-distress.

She's also a Sue.

She couldn't even be a cool Sue like Arya.

She's a worthless Sue.

She's desperate.

She'll let her fiancée do whatever he wants with her.

She'll encourage him to do it.

She makes Roran, who is the world's hottest and best farmboy, seem lame whenever she's with him.

She forced him to propose to her before he asked her father.

This caused him to do something extremely stupid.

And she lost her inheritance because of this.

She let her father hand her over to the Ra'zac. As mouse says, "Why didn't you kick him in the balls, girl?"

She doesn't deserve Roran.

She kind of hit on Eragon in the first book while she was supposed to be in love with Roran. Make up your, you filthy, cheating scum.

She couldn't get her father to calm down and let her marry Roran. She just made him madder.

She has no brains.

She's a bigger Sue than Arya. And that's saying something. (I know I've said that more time's than I should be allowed to, but I haven't said it since I bashed Morzan so I don't feel bad saying it.)

I bet Roran got her pregnant.

If Eragon and Roran don't rescue her in however many months they have left, she's gonna give birth.

If that happens, she will seriously complicate their rescue mission. I know I've never done this before, but here's how I think that would play out.

Eragon: We have just killed one Ra'zac and Lethrblaka. I can't find the other one, so you go get Katrina while I look for the other pair.

Roran: Sounds good to me.

Saphira: You have got to be kidding me.

Eragon/Roran: ignore Saphira and go on with dumb plan

Eragon: Ra'zac, Lethrblaka? Where are you?

Ra'zac/Lethrblaka: Good gravy, he's dumb.

Roran: using macho voice I've come to rescue you, honey. takes shackles off

Katrina: I can't walk.

Roran: stares stupidly No way. I mean, you've only been in Helgrind, what, six, seven months?

Katrina: It's not just that. We have to get the baby.

Roran: Baby? Whose is it? Which Ra'zac?

Katrina: It's your's, Roran. get tears in her eyes

Roran: I am sorry for my grossly unfounded accusations and my horrible sense of time. Where's the baby?

Katrina: Over there.

Roran: gets baby and begins to suck the lips off of Katrina

Peanut Gallery: wipe their eyes with complimentary tissues or puke their guts out in the ridiculously expensive trash cans)

Roran/Katrina: be blissfully ignorant to sobbing or puking peanut gallery

Eragon: runs in chasing Ra'zac and Lethrblaka

Katrina: faints

Roran: using macho voice again I shall bash your brains out with my mighty hammer! does that to remaining Ra'zac while balancing puking baby

Eragon/Saphira: kill Lethrblaka

Saphira: Do I have to carry all of you?

Eragon/Roran: Yep!

Katrina was just dead weight in that scene.

She made Eragon and Roran look dumb.

She didn't even react properly when Roran accused her of having one of the Ra'zac's kids. This is how you're supposed to react.

Not Katrina: Oh my God. You are the world's biggest idiot. You have no sense of time. I had a kid with one of those things I'd kill you now.

I couldn't come up with 30 reasons because, as bannansrock said, we don't see much of her. So I gave you the skit for the Helgrind rescue. And a smaller skit. Here's the ballot for the next chapter:

A. Brom

B. Oromis


	11. Oromis

Ch.11

Oromis won. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Paolini died and left the rights of Eragon to me. Anyone who believes that, please, go get a psychiatric evaluation.

He sits around getting fat.

He plays with his food before he eats it.

He sits around getting old.

He couldn't prevent Glaedr's leg from falling off with is "spell that saves everything."

He was too dumb to see that Morzan was evil.

Once he realized this, he was too dumb to tell Brom that Morzan was evil.

He is a crappy mentor.

He never taught Morzan to recognize pregnancy in girlfriends. (Thanks Amantine for inspiring me to write about his bad mentoring abilites.)

He clearly forgot to include lessons explaining the problems with sword-chucking and the growing back injuries in children caused by this terrible problem.

Oromis himself didn't learn from Morzan's hands-on demonstration of the problems with back attacks and sword chucking because he made Eragon do things that set his back off. (Thank's bannasrokk.)

He teaches yoga.

He won't admit that it's yoga.

He has to make up a cool-sounding name for it.

He knocked out his own student.

Instead of teaching Eragon magic, he taught him to watch ants. That is really gonna save Alagaesia. (Thank's Sedoras.)

He never taught Morzan the benefits of not beating your girlfriend.

He let Morzan get away.

He has no feelings.

He's been hiding out for like a century.

He didn't defend himself well against Orik. (Point for Orik. Woot! Woot!)

He's an elf. (If you are an elf, you are cool and lame.)

He didn't even get elfin mortality benefits.

He lost most of his elfin magic benefits.

He lost most of his elfin fitness benefits.

He made Eragon play with water before he taught him something useful.

He didn't seem to get the fact that Eragon had been an illiterate farmboy most of his life.

He showed Arya Eragon's fairth. Here is what Oromis should've done.

Eragon: I really shouldn't have made this.

Oromis: Uhh… Eragon, you idiot. You screwed it up. breaks fairth

Eragon: I know master. I sure did.

Orik/Arya: Why don't you make another one?

Eragon: Okay. makes fairth that does not manage to offend Arya after several repetitions of this scene

Here's how it went.

Eragon: I really shouldn't have made this.

Oromis: thinks He really shoudn't have made this. speaks Hey, Arya, wanna see what Eragon really shouldn't have made?  
Arya: Sure. looks at fairth You weren't kidding, Oromis-elda. glares at Eragon and smashes fairth in quality spaz fit I am never speaking to you again.

Orik: pouts Wow. I've never seen such an impressive spaz fit. What did you do?

Eragon: I made a picture of her I really shouldn't have.

Orik: Baruln, I wish I'd seen it.

As we can all see, if Oromis had handled the situation correctly, Eragon would have simply looked incompetent.

Instead he looked incompetent because the fairth wasn't that great, and he had to face the wrath of Arya the angry.

He has not received the elfin diplomacy benefits.

Yeah. I had to do another two skits. They're fun. I hope you enjoyed. Here's the ballot for the next chappie:

Islanzadi (If she wins and proves hard to come up with lots of reason, I'll try to do a really long skit.)

Brom (He would probably be funny, and I might come up with a good skit for him.)


	12. Brom

Ch.12

Hey, I'm sorry I haven't updated in three days or something. I've been busy. My friend Natalie (a.k.a. the one who thinks Chris is creepy) came over yesterday, and I had to go to my cousin's b-day party the day before that. It was a pool party, and we played butterfly. What is butterfly, you ask? The girls were the "butterflies", and the guys had to knock them off of the many floats in the pool. And the girls tried to get the guys off the floats. And there were three girls and like ten guys so girls lost. I scratched a couple of the guys really badly, and my brother stared calling people idiots because someone (not me, I swear) scratched him. Then we tried to get everybody on one float to take a picture, and that took over a half an hour. Twas a fun party.

Disclaimer: holds up card and recites dutifully I do not own Eragon. It all belongs to Christopher Paolini. I also do not own Lord of the Rings, which belongs to the world's greatest literary genius J.R.R. Tolkien.

P.S. Brom won. I know he's dead and not evil and it sucks to make fun of dead people, but that's what my readers want. I think I can make this pretty funny.

1. He's really fricking old. So old in fact, you really wouldn't believe it.

2. He hero-worshipped a drunken sword-chucker.

3. He knocked on doors before entering or leaving a room.

4. He was from a whole down of real live door-knocker-on-ers.

5. He has serious anger issues.

6. He got kicked in the head by the seriously lame Ra'zac.

7. He had to follow around a hormonal teenager and his hormonal dragon so that he could train them.

8. He could've had any career he wanted in Carvahall, and he chose to be as storyteller.

9. Our favorite hormonal teenage dragon-rider liked the traveling storytellers' stories better.

10. He's a rip-off of Gandalf who is a rip-off of Merlin who is a rip-off of some Celtic God.

11. Therefore, he's a rip-off three times over.

12. His name is a direct rip-off from a Celtic god.

13. He wouldn't trust Eragon with his secret past even though Eragon followed him around the empire, had no idea his father was Morzan, and was the last chance for the Varden. Well, second to last. If he fails, the green egg's gonna hatch for Roran, Nasuada, or possibly Arya. Then they'll be the last chance.

14. His fate was a joke among fortunetellers. So:

15. He killed a woman by loving her.

16. He lost his dragon because he was her rider.

17. He couldn't finish training Eragon, who had to go to the lame and cool elves.

18. He's a bloody hypocrite. He asked lots of questions in training, and he yelled at Eragon for doing the same thing.

19. He didn't teach Eragon enough to keep the elves and dwarves from laughing at his ignorance.

20. He founded the Varden and quit being a member just so he could get revenge on his former hero. (Once again, why was Morzan your hero?)

21. My nickname for him is old Brommy.

22. He pulled Jeod into something that was destined to cause him marital strife, bad luck, and bankruptcy.

23. Aren't we all glad Brom isn't our friend? I sure am.

24. He pretended he was dead for God-know-how-many-years so that he could be a storyteller. (And avoid getting killed, but I think he was more into the storyteller thing.)

25. It took him forever to figure out that Morzan was evil.

26. He didn't warn Eragon about the Ra'zac in time. This is how it should've played out.

Brom: Eragon, I know you're a rider.

Eragon: Really? How?

Brom: You made up an obviously fake trader; you've been asking more questions than usual, and that's saying something; and you've got a silver thingie on your palm. Which, by the way, is called the gedwey ignasia. Those two lame guys in the hoods are called the Ra'zac. Let's go before they wreck utter havoc on Carvahall and possibly kill you and your dragon. Incidentally, I know what that's like because I lost my dragon. It's really quite painful. So painful, in fact, you really wouldn't believe it. Yep, I was a rider. Anyway, let's go.

Eragon: Is it as painful as this? rolls down a random hill covered in glass, rocks, and other sharp objects

Brom: I said, "Let's go." And never do that again. It's just stupid.

Here's how it did.

Brom: Eragon, I've known you're a rider for fricking forever. I just never got around to telling you. That's probably because I'm really fricking old. So old in fact you really wouldn't believe it.

Eragon: You're old? I never knew.

Brom: Anyway, I also forgot to tell you that those two lame, fat guys in cloaks are…

Eragon: So they are guys. I wasn't sure.

Brom: I'm actually not sure if they're guys either. I can't think of a girl who would be willing to check.

Eragon: Let's send Katrina.

Brom: If we get the time, we will. That girl needs a bloody purpose in this story. Anyway, the lame strangers are after you and your dragon.

Eragon: How do you know about Saphira?

Brom: You named her Saphira? starts bawling his eyes out

Eragon: What's the big deal? It's just name.

Brom: Just a name? Just a name? I'll show you just a name. Well actually it is just a name. And it definitely wasn't the name of my dead dragon. And I was definitely never a rider.

Eragon: Weird, you look old enough to have been one.

Brom: You just said I didn't look old.

Eragon: I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Brom: Am I really stuck with you for the rest of this five-hundred some page book.

Heavens: You'll be relieved once your dead.

Eragon: be oblivious to the heavens

Brom: Well, death will have some benefits.

Eragon: skip along merrily

Brom: trudge along, resigned to his horrible fate which will be over when he dies

28. If he had warned everybody, Eldest would've been shorter because the entire village would've been alerted of the danger and able to leave. Or they would've just called them crazy. I'll admit it was a difficult situation.

29. He told the forbidden story in a really boring, sandpapery voice. Use some drama, Brommy.

30. He's a generic, copy-written mentor.

31. This makes him as lame as a mentor as lame, old Galby is as a villain.

32. He's so obsessed with Morzan that he went to watch his son in Carvahall.

33. He went so crazy after his dragon died and he lost his sword that Oromis had to knock him out.

34. He got killed by the seriously lame Ra'zac. Because I took longer than usual to update, here's a skit to make it up to all of you.

Ra'zac 1: Let's kill the guy who is really fricking old. So old, in fact, we really can't believe it. That line has been used way to many times.

Ra'zac 2: I know. It's been used almost as many times as the line, "And that's saying something."

Ra'zac 1: That is saying something. Oh no, my lameness has spread.

Brom: Just kill me already. I don't wanna put up with you lamos and that idiot rider over there. points to Eragon

Eragon: waves

Ra'zac 2: If that's what he wants. Oh s---! My limited addition black cloak that I stole from one of the Nazgul got arrows in it.

Ra'zac 1: Mine too. kicks Eragon in the side and runs off to mourn ruined limited addition, black cloak stolen from the Nazgul

Eragon: Is this what loosing your dragon feels like?

Ra'zac 2: throws random dagger and ditto

Brom: No! gets hit by dagger Why did I just sacrifice myself for that idiot?

Eragon: faints wakes up

Murtagh: Yo.

Eragon: Who are you?  
Murtagh: Murtagh.

Eragon: Why did you help me?

Murtagh: pulls out limited addition glasses stolen from Christopher Paolini and prepared speech card for what to do if to avoid revealing your parentage Umm, I was tracking the Ra'zac, and I decided to help a rider. Dog, these prepared speech cards work.

Eragon: I know. I'm so convinced that you couldn't possibly be Morzan's son.

Saphira: Ditto.

Eragon: My side hurts.

Murtagh: That must hurt as much as loosing your dragon.

Brom: You have no idea, kid.

Eragon/Murtagh/Saphira: You're supposed to be unconscious.

Brom: goes back to being unconscious

Eragon/Saphira: heal Brom

Murtagh: Sweet job, yo.

Eragon: It wasn't really. He's still gonna die.

Murtagh: Tough break, dog.

Eragon/Murtagh/Saphira: go to sleep

Saphira: Wake up, you idiot. He's dying.

Brom: Beer.

Eragon: That doesn't sound like a good idead, but I'm an idiot so, why not? brings beer

Brom: Wash my hand.

Eragon: I knew someone who was so fricking old you really wouldn't believe it had to have been a rider!

Brom: uses very sarcastic voice That sure makes me feel good.

Eragon: I try.

Brom: Never let Saphira die. When my Saphira died, I experienced pain that was surpassed only by one thing.

Eragon: What?

Brom: Training you.

Eragon: Wow. It must have been painful.

Brom: Gobbledygook. dies

Eragon: Beer!

Murtagh: Here, yo.

A/N: I don't know why I made Murtagh a gangster, but I did. Here are the review responses.

Coffee Grounds: I used the beer thing in my skit. Thanks for helping me with 32.

Devil's Advocat: There are many types of Sues. Arya is a warrior/feminist Sue. Eragon is a warrior Gary Stue. Katrina is a damsel-in-distress/fairytale Sue. P.S. It's Advocate.

SmelyBel: See response to Summerset's review in chapter 8.

Callernumber16onz100: Thanks. As you can see, I did Brom.

Bannasrokk: Islanzadi's next.

Meh: Sorry I made fun of Brom. It was majority rules. Ditto.

Rolling Thunder 420: You got your wish. Thanks.

Dreamgirlhoo: Ditto.

Bushes283: Thanks. You're right. I should've. Thanks for numbers 13 and 18.

Amantine: Thanks for the help with numbers 3 and 34.

Islanzadi's next.


	13. Islanzadi

Ch.13

It's Islandzadi. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.

If she was a guy, she'd be another prick we all love to hate.

Instead she's the bitch we all love to hate.

She fought with her daughter for eighty fricking years.

This was because said daughter got a tattoo.

And said daughter wanted to save the world. Here's a skit about that fight.

Arya: Mommy, I got a tattoo!

Islanzadi: seatdrops Really? Are you sure that was such a good idea, dear?

Arya: It's only the best fricking decision I've ever made.

Islanzadi: What kind of tattoo is it?

Arya: A yawe.

Islanzadi: No!

Arya: That wasn't the right answer. On my prepared speech cards for how to tell your mom you decided to get a tattoo that means you have to save the world, it says you were supposed to say, "I accept your decision."

Islandzadi: Well, I don't. You must get the tattoo exonerated before anyone finds out. Then you won't have to save the world.

Arya: Even if I do I'm still gonna save the world.

Islandzadi: No, you're not.

Arya: Yes, I am.

This goes on for five days. Every elf in Ellesmera, most of the elves from Siltrim, some of the ones from Nadindel, and one from Osilon came to watch the fight.

Osilon elf: Sup with the fight?

Ellesmera elf 57: Princess Arya got a tattoo.

Osilon elf: Wicked.

Me: Ooh, like the play and the book?

Osilon elf/Ellesmera elf 57: Huh?

Me: Oh, duh. I wasn't alive eighty years ago. vanishes in a puff of logic

Ellesmera elf 57: And it was a yawe.

Osilon elf: So she has to go save the world?

Ellesmera elf 57: Damn straight. Cept, the nutty queen doesn't want her to.

Osilon elf: Sticky situation.

Ellesmera elf 57: Yeah.

Islanzadi: If you insist on pursuing this reckless course of action, I will ban you from my presense.

Arya: Fine.

Elves: Gaspeth.

Osilon elf: Wait! I have no life. I just go around singing to birds! I even forgot my name.

Me: It's Glenwing.

Glenwing: Didn't you disappear in a puff of logic.

Me: smacks head Oh yeah. disappears in a second puff of logic

Ellesmera elf 57: I think you're one hot momma, and I've always wanted to save the world. P.S. My names Faolin.

Arya: Awesome.

Islanzadi: Hem! Hem! I said get out of my prickly, lame, royal presence. And Arya's not even a momma. What about me?

Faolin: She will be if I have anything to say about it. Sides, you're really fricking old. So old in fact…Wait wrong line. Scratch that comment.

Everyone except Islanzadi: ignore Faolin

Arya/Glenwing/Faolin: Okay. skip off singing songs from "Wicked" before anyone can do anyting about it

She too is a Mary-Sue.

She is a mother of the world's second biggest Sue.

She still hasn't gotten over her mate's death.

It's been one-hundred years since said mate's death.

In fanfiction, she usually turns out to have a second Sue daughter.

She walks around wearing swan feathers.

She's an elf. I've explained this already.

She is another with serious anger issues.

Her name is as long as lame, old Galby's.

And it takes ten minutes to pronounce.

And it takes forever to write.

She walks around with an extremely rude raven who yells, "Wyrda!" at random intervals.

She and her mate named said raven Blagden. That poor, poor raven.

This could be the reason the raven's so rude.

If so, it's her fault the raven offends everybody and embarrasses her.

Hey, she provides her own embarrassment. Lame.

She tries and fails to be the girl from "Bossy".

So does her daughter

She had to her poem at the Agaeti Blodhren longer than her daughter's to make it as good.

Therefore, she's lamer than Arya. Ack.

I can't even pity her for this.

She wouldn't even look for her daughter after she went missing.

She just assumed she was so incompetent that she was dead.

This was somehow the Varden's fault.

She failed her duty to scry the land and find out what the f--- was going on. Here's a little skit on Islanzadi's reaction.

Random messenger elf (R.M.E.): I have good news and bad news.

Islanzadi: Since it's the generic response and I'm in a generic book, I'll hear the bad news first.

R.M.E.: Your daughter's guards and their horses bought the farm. Her horse kicked the bucket too. We have no clue were you daughter is. We assume she's somewhere fertilizing daisies. And there are some dead Urgals who will no doubt do those daisies harm.  
Islanzadi: And the good news?

R.M.E.: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

Islanzadi: What's a car?

R.M.E.: I'm just a messenger/advertiser. It's not like I know these things. Oh, wait, wrong prepared speech cards on how to tell your queen the daughter she hasn't spoken to in eighty years is probably six feet under the earth. The real good news is that the daisies will do very well this year.

Islanzadi: What about the Urgals?

R.M.E.: Who's complaining about a dozen less Urgals? I'm not.

Islanzadi: But what about the daisies? They'll ruin them.

R.M.E.: We picked them up. And shouldn't you be worried about your daughter?

Islanzadi: smacks head Oh, duh. I forgot about that. Niduen!

An elf comes running into the throne room.

Niduen: Yes, your majesty?

Islanzadi: Bring me some bon-bons. And get some truffles if you can find any.

Niduen: What flavor truffles?

Islanzadi: How do we address me again?

Niduen: sighs Your majesty. thinks What did I do to deserve her for a cousin?

Islanzadi: Good. I'll have whatever has the most faelnirv in it.

R.M.E.: What about the Varden?

Islanzadi: Ah, yes. Tell them they are arrogant pricks and the elves want no further association with them.

R.M.E.: Anything else?

Islanzadi: Could you tell Ajihod to go sod himself?

R.M.E.: sweatdrops Of course, your majesty.

Later, in the official prepared speech cards shop of Ellesmera.

R.M.E.: Do you have anything about what to say if your boss tells you to tell someone to sod themselves?

Clerk: Certainly.

R.M.E.: stops sweatdropping I was getting a little worried. Thank you so much. These cards save my life everytime.

Clerk: uses bored voice I'm sure they do.

R.M.E.: By the way, what's Geico?

31. She had a dumb reaction in this skit to the news.

32. During her reunion with her daughter, she as good as said, "I told you so." Here's how it went.

Islanzadi: Oh my daughter, I have wronged you.

Arya: I know.

Islanzadi: That's not what you're supposed to say! These prepared speech cards don't work. rips speech cards up in an impressive spaz fit

Arya: I know.

Eragon: WTF?

Islanzadi: Who the good gravy is you?

Eragon: I'm a rider. That's my dragon. I killed a shade who was butt ugly. Point for me. Woot! Woot!

Islanzadi: Do you and the dragon have a name?  
Eragon: I'm Eragon and this is Saphira.

Saphira: I can talk for myself.

Eragon: Of course you can. pats Saphira

Saphira: glares

Islanzadi: What happened?

Eragon: tells story enthusiastically

Arya: tells story boringly

Islanzadi: Niduen! Bring me my designer hankie to sob hysterically into.

Niduen: brings hankie

Islanzadi: sobs hysterically

Elves: sob hysterically into their not-designer hankies

Islanzadi: Let's eat.

Eragon: Food.

Arya: I don't care.

Elves: Food.

Orik/Saphira: Beer.

Eragon: Arya, are you a pretty, pretty princess?

Arya: gives death glare

Eragon: Was it something I said?

Saphira: If you have to ask, you don't deserve to be told.

Eragon: Are you happy that you and your Mommy kissed and made up?

Arya: shows something vaguely similar to emotion Did that bitch give me a choice?

Me: Gaspeth she shows emotion! disappears in third puff of logic

Islanzadi: I told you so. That tattoo was bad luck. You can't save the world. You're a princess.

Arya: Shut up, bitch.

Islanzadi: My baby's back.

Arya: Never wear swan feathers again.

Islanzadi: You're just jealous.

Here are my review responses.

CaptainUnderpants92: Yes, I am.

Devils Advocat: Sorry. Didn't realize that. Come Nightfall is awesome by the way.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: I liked gangsta Murtagh too. I can't really talk gansta, but how care?

Dreamless Wind: Thanks for the help with numbers 5, 7, and 27.

Callernumber16onz100: Thanks.

Sedoras: It's kk. Thanks for the help with numbers 7, 14, and 15.

Coffee Grounds: Thanks for the help with the swan feathers thing and the designer hankie thing.

Amantine: I'm glad you think so. Thanks for help with number 13.

Here's the ballot for the next chappie.

Nasuada

Orik

Murtagh

Durza


	14. Durza

Ch.14

Durza won. I don't know why I didn't mock him back when I mocked all the other bad guys. I'm so sorry I haven't updated. I've been busy. School's starting Wednesday. It sucks.

Disclaimer: reads prepared speech cards on how to disclaim a story for the umpteenth time I do not own Eragon, Seinfeld, Talledegha Nights, the Wizard of Oz,or The Simpsons. I kindly beg that you do not sue me.

He has fire-engine red hair.

So I've decided to call him old fire-engine head.

His eyes are redder than anime characters. (Cookies to whoever guesses what phrase I am adamantly refusing to say.)

He was too dumb to realize that everyone's favorite hormonal teenage rider wasn't drinking his "special" water.

So he let that hormonal twit get away. Here's how that played out.

Durza: Hi. smiles like the creepy fire-engine head he is

Eragon: Holy s---! A talking fire engine!

Durza: I'm a shade, you hormonal, dragon-riding twit!

Eragon: That's what I meant.

Durza: Sorry, I don't speak dum-dum.

Eragon: I understand. It's a rare gift.

Durza: Thank the Lord I wasn't blessed with it.

Eragon: I understand your jealousy.

Durza: I give up.

Eragon: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Durza: The line's if at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

Eragon: Sorry, I don't speak fire-engine head.

Durza: Now who's jealous, punk?

Eragon: That was just dumb.

Durza: I know. I'm being a disgrace to fire-engine heads everywhere. Now, what's your name?

Eragon: Eragon. Or do you want the name the guy who really frickin old, so old in fact I really didn't believe it, told me never to tell fire-engine heads?

Durza: The second one, please.

Peanut Gallery: He said please. Gaspeth!

Durza: Was there a peanut gallery in the book?

Peanut Gallery: disappears in a puff of logic

Eragon: Well, I'm dumb. I'll give you an obviously fake name. Du Sundavar Freohr. It means death of shadows.

Durza: I'm a fire engine head, not a shadow. I mean…doh.

Homer Simpson: Hey, he stole my line. Get him!

Durza: Go back to your show!

Homer and mob: disappear in puff of logic

Durza: Anyway, drink up. I know you haven't. Considering your intelligence level, if you had, you'd be sitting on the floor drooling.

Eragon: Like that's gonna happen. escapes I'm free! S---! I have to fight you with magic. kills a couple

Random guy: shoots arrows

Eragon: Is that you Murtagh?

Murtagh: Quiet, yo. I don't want them haters to know I'm here.

Eragon: Oh. Random guard, tell me where the elf and the weapons are, or I shall tickle you with this flamingo feather.

Random guard: Don't! I'm ticklish. If they find out, I'll loose my reputation.

Murtagh: Well, ya don't wanna loose your rep.

Random guard: gives directions

Murtagh: Bad plan, dawg.

Eragon: But the elf's hot!

Arya: looks up and faints

Eragon: catches Arya

Murtagh: Damn, that is one hot momma.

Eragon: I know.

Murtagh: Got the hot chick's funky weapons.

Durza: Hehe.

Eragon/Murtagh: Fire-engine head!

Eragon: fights and looses

Durza: You pathetic, hormonal twit.

Eragon: Save me from the evil fire-engine head, Saphira!

Saphira: I'm coming!

Murtagh: Who has red hair, dawg? shoots Durza

Durza: Bad shot.

Murtagh: shoots Durza

Durza: That was more like it. I mean ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Eragon: Wow.

Murtagh: Not wow.

Saphira: saves from random guards

Murtagh shot him between the eyes. (Point for Murtagh. Woot! Woot!)

He didn't just kill Murtagh when that hot guy shot him the first time and didn't kill him.

He was killed by a tired, injured, hormonal, teenage dragon-rider.

He was distracted by the dragon and elf cracking the ceiling.

And he ignored the sharp, pointy, falling objects.

And he forgot about the aforementioned hormonal twit's sharp, pointy sword with a name. Here's how it played out.

Eragon: goes down big slide I'm dizzy.

Durza and Urgals: break through walls

Eragon: This will not be pretty.

Durza: I can handle this hormonal twit by myself.

Eragon/Durza: fight

Eragon: Aww, poor fire-engine head. You really were a good person.

Durza: Don't look at those. And stop calling me fire-engine head.

Eragon: Sorry, fire-engine head. Oops. Aww, my back. I have failed. Help me, Jesus. Help me, Tom Cruise. Oh, wait. Wrong line. I have failed.

Saphira/Arya: break special ceiling

Durza: Pretty sparkly fragments that could kill me.

Eragon: Uhh, fire word! kills Durza I haven't failed. Thank you, Tom Cruise. faints

He's just begging for insults.

He willingly works for lame, old Galby.

And he's his new right-hand man.

He replaced a drunken sword-chucker.

Right-hand man is just another way to say toady's toad.

He too deserves the title Lord of the Idiots.

He is yet another with serious anger issues.

He didn't just knock Arya out and steal the egg.

He watched her suffer and lost the egg.

This is just one instance where his sadism was his downfall. Here's how that played out.

Durza: You Urgals stink.

Urgals: Sorry.

Durza: Shut up. Why is this taking so bloody long? Oh thank the Lord they're finally here.

Glenwing/Faolin: die

Arya: jumps off dead horse and runs

Durza: Not so fast, my pretty. Oops, wrong line.

Arya: Gobbledygook.

Durza: No! That's it! knocks out Arya Damn, she's hot, and damn, it's gone. burns forest

It took him forever to just die.

He couldn't even die by the cool brother's hand.

He's just begging for insults.

He couldn't get Arya to tell him where she sent the egg he lost because of sadism.

He tortured her.

That didn't work.

He told his guards to rape her.

They couldn't.

So that didn't work.

He let a hormonal teenager, his hormonal dragon, and his hot-yet-crazy older brother rescue said elf.

He didn't even want to be a shade.

He became a shade because he summoned spirits he couldn't control.

So he's overly arrogant.

That trait didn't even go away when he became a shade.

He didn't get many shadily benefits.

I wish I could pity him.

I can't. Hence the dssg part of my penname.

I think he got the most insults ever.

How'd you like that chapter. Not sure why Murty's still a gansta.

Dreamless Wind: I don't really wanna do Murtagh. I might if you all wear me down.

Meh: Thanks. Ditto. Thanks for number 24.

Gwenhwyar: I'm glad you read and agree. Sorry Nasuada didn't win.

Sedoras: Thanks for numbers 4, 5, 6, and 7. You remembered to review this time. Lol.

XKalx: Nice try. Lol. Like I said for Dreamless Wind.

Mouse: Thanks for numbers 8-11 and 13 and 20.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Thanks for number 1.

Dreamgirlhoo: Maybe next time. I probably would.

Tallacus: Thanks.

Callernumber16onz100: Thanks.

Amantine: Thanks.


	15. Saphira

Ch. 15

I know I didn't post a ballot. smacks head I've chosen Saphira. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.

She's a hormonal dragon.

She is stuck being the rider to a hormonal teen.

She chose this fate.

She gets drunk. What kind of dragon gets drunk?

She got drunk at a funeral.

It was the leader of the Varden's.

Said leader generously sheltered her, her hormonal rider, and his hot-yet-crazy older brother.

From Kull, none the less.

She couldn't help her rider with Durza until the last minute.

All she did was shattering a ceiling with an elf's help.

She actually likes the Mary-Sue elf.

She was in love with her several centuries old crippled teacher.

She is one of an arrogant race.

She was proud of her extremely arrogant wild dragon of a mother.

She's picky. (She didn't hatch for hundreds of years.)

Oh, Lord, she's like my little brother.

She has been more of a hindrance than a help in Eragon's non-existent love-life.

It's her fault said love-life is non-existant.

She tried to attack he centuries old teacher when he wouldn't mate with her.

She ignored Eragon, her own rider, because of centuries old teacher.

I don't see what is desirable about said teacher.

She didn't tell Eragon that the guy who was really fricking old, so old in fact we still don't believe it, was really a former dragon rider. Here's how that scene played out.

Saphira: You're a rider.

Brom: How did you know? Don't say it's because I'm really fricking old, so old in fact you really don't believe it.

Saphira: I take it you've heard that one a lot?

Brom: No...kinda…yeah.

Saphira: Actually, it was because of the way you touched me.

Brom: Do you have any idea how wrong that sounded?

Saphira: I suppose it did sound wrong.

Brom: At least you're not as dumb as your rider.

Saphira: True.

Brom/Eragon/Saphira: go on adventure

Eragon: Be vewy quiet. We're hunting Ra'zac.

Brom/Saphira: Good gravy he's dumb.

Brom: dies

Eragon: Whoa. The guy who's really fricking old, so old in fact I really don't believe it was a rider.

Saphira: I knew as soon as he touched me. Damn, I said something with a double meaning again.

Eragon: Hey, it could be worse. You could be as dumb as I am.

Saphira: True.

Eragon: That's not what you're supposed to say. According to my prepared speech cards on how to make your dragon with a habit of saying things with double meanings feel better, you're supposed to say, "You're not dumb."

Saphira: Those things don't work.

R.M.E.: Yes, they do!

Saphira: You don't belong here.

R.M.E.: Oh yeah. disappears in a puff of logic

She says things with double meanings a lot.

Saphira: Glaer is so big.

Eragon: Don't get any ideas.

Saphira: Why not?

Eragon: You stopped me from getting laid in Farthen Dur when even fanficion writer Nasuada can see that I needed to.

Saphira: So?

Eragon: So…I'm an idiot. I wasn't built for arguing.

Saphira: True.

Eragon: What is up with you and the word true?

Saphira: I dunno know.

She's going to be filled with pedophilic love for the green dragon in the next book.

Needless to say, her tastes aren't destined to improve.

She broke the special ceiling.

She let Eragon follow Arya.

By doing this, she let her rider incur the wrath of Arya the angry.

She wouldn't tell Eragon she was a female for forever. Here's how the naming thing played out.

Eragon: You need a name.

Saphira: Eragon.

Eragon: That's my name. You can't have it.

Me: You're selfish. Spit on you.

Eragon: Why do you keep appearing?

Me: Cause it's fun.

Eragon: But it's not logical.

Me: Wow. Never expected such an idiot to know about logic. vanishes in a puff of logic

Eragon: How about Bob?

Saphira: Eragon.

Eragon: NO! How about Steve or his successor Jim? Both were great dragons.

Saphira: Eragon.

Eragon: Non, me cherie.

Saphira: Idiots can't speak French, dolt!

Eragon: ignore Saphira How about Joe who fought the see serpent Johnny?

Saphira: Eragon.

Eragon: I told you. I'm selfish and unwilling to share my name.

Saphira: I'm female, dodo.

Eragon: Oh. Josie was a brown dragon. I like Mary-Sue, but it's not quite right. How about the name the guy who was really fricking old, so old in fact I really don't believe it? Are you a Saphira?

Saphira: Finally some communication.

Eragon: I'm so proud of me.

She scratched up Eragon's legs while flying with him.

She kept repeating the name Eragon over and over and over and over and over and over and…you get the picture.

She makes fun of random animals.

If she's not making fun of them, she thinks horses are useless, and she thinks rabbits are mice. There's a bunch of others she does.

She has no life beyond her whiny, idiotic, hormonal rider.

How did you like that chappie? I just started school today, and there wasn't much in the way of homework. I'm gonna have off Friday and Monday, so I'll prolly post the last chapters of this fic then. Here's the ballot for next chappie.

Nasuada

Orik

Here's the review response.

Bugz Attack: Thanks.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Thanks.

Callernumber16lonz100: Thanks. I'm not sure if I'm gonna do a Murtagh chapter. Just a slight obsession with that guy.

Nasuada: I'm glad you think so. Thanks for numbers 11, 19, and 24.

Baezabini: I'm glad gansta Murtagh is so popular. I have used "so old in fact, you really wouldn't believe it" a lot, but the phrase was "and that's saying something." I really don't think I'm gonna do Murtagh. Your reviews are fine. Don't beat yourself up.

Rolling Thunder 420: I'm assuming your question was answered by this chapter. Sorry I forgot to post the ballot.

Coffee Grounds: So do I. drools Eragon's the last character I'm doing, and he will go on forever.

Dreamless Wind: Nice try.

Tallacus: Thanks. I did one dragon.

Amantine: Thanks. Like I said about Eragon and Murtagh.

Do you guys want me to do a Murtagh chapter: Yes or No? If so, he'll be second to last.


	16. Orik

Ch. 16

I hereby dedicate this chapter to Orik, who is being called lame in it.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you. Eragon, Lotr, Hitchhike's Guide to the Galaxy, or the Outsiders, that is.

He has fourteen toes.

That is just plain gross.

His race made a bet that humans really had fourteen toes.

They used Eragon to settle said bet.

They thought they were superior because they had fourteen toes.

Dwarf guy: Do you really have ten toes?

Eragon: Yep. See? takes off boot and wiggles toes with a stupid smile on his face

Dwarf guy: No frickin way.

Eragon: You mean you don't have ten toes?

Dwarf guy: Helzvog thought we would be superior if we had more toes.

Eragon: Oh.

Saphira: Racist prigs.

Dwarf guy: ignore Saphira Hey, you guys won't believe this. Those inferior humans are more inferior than we thought. They only have ten toes! Now, pay up.

Dwarves: Holy Helzvog. Here's your money.

Dwarf guy: Thanks.

Eragon: I don't know why I think this, but I think I was just the source of a bet.

Saphira: uses sarcastic voice Really? What was your first clue?

Eragon: Well…

Saphira: I was being sarcastic you hormonal twit!

Eragon: Oh.

He is from a racist race.

They hated Eragon for being a human excepted in a dwarf clan.

They hated Arya for being an elf.

He got drunk.

And was convinced that every drunken thing he said was poetry.

He blamed this on Eragon.

He then proceeded to get Eragon drunk. Here's how it played out.

Orik: Hey! hiccups

Eragon: What's up with you?

Saphira: Orik, you're drunk!

Eragon: Oh, he's drunk. How did you guess?

Saphira: I am not even going to answer that.

Eragon: If you're drunk, how come you're drunk?

Orik: Elves! Elves! Elves! Elves! Elves! grabs random elf doll and rips it up in impressive spaz fit

Saphira: That would make most people get drunk.

Eragon: Okay. He might be drunk. Tell us Orik. How did you get drunk?

Orik: Well, the ELVES does weird eye-twitch and rips the head off of another elf doll made this thing called faelnirv, and it's about the only brilliant thing that those ELVES does weird eye twitch and rips the legs off the elf doll ever made.

Eragon: Ooh. I must try it. takes faelnirv It's good. Arya's hot.

Orik: You really think so?

Eragon: Yep. She's the hottest chick I've ever seen.

Orik: Interesting.

Saphira: Don't tell Orik.

Orik: It's okay. Eragon can trust me. does impression of Mary-Sue eyes

Eragon: And I told her she was hot, and she laughed at me.

Orik: Well, she is an ELF! rips arms off of elf doll

Eragon: Why doesn't Arya like me? balls and drinks more faelnirv

Orik: I wouldn't know. You can never understand those ELVES! rips what is left of the second elf doll in half

Saphira: Orik, are you married?

Orik: That was a random question. Not as random as the stuff they come up with in The Outsiders, but you know. Anyway, no. But I am engaged to this really hot girl, with these really awesome not-hairy legs.

Eragon: Is she related to you?

Orik: NO! A bit. Yeah. But she's only my second cousin once removed.

Eragon: stares stupidly

Orik: You don't get it?

Me: Well, Orik, how do you expect an idiot like Eragon to understand what "second cousin once removed means"?

Orik: I confess I didn't.

Me: Well, there you have it.

Saphira: Why do you keep popping up out of nowhere?

Orik: Oh, holy Helzvog. That's what ELVES gets out third elf doll and pulls off this new doll's head do.

Random elf: Helzvog isn't real, dvergar.

Me: Hem! Hem! Does anyone care that I haven't disappeared in a puff of logic yet?

Orik: ELF! chases elf out of tree house and falls down the extremely long flight of stairs

Me: I guess that answers my question. pouts like a two-year old

Saphira: brings Orik back up

Orik: Stupid ELF rips third elf doll's legs off

Saphira: takes away remnants of Orik's elf dolls

Orik: Hey, I need those. faints and starts snoring Hvedra, you're hot. Hvedra, can I touch those? Please? Pwitty pwease with a cherry on top?

Eragon: I'm gonna go to sleep and dream about Arya.

Saphira: Just as long as you don't make your dreams as random or disturbing as Orik's. looks at me Hey, shouldn't you have disappeared in a puff of logic by now?

Me: Finally! You noticed. hugs Saphira and vanishes in a puff of logic

Saphira: goes to sleep next to Eragon

As demonstrated by the mutilated elf dolls, we can conclude that Orik is as racist as the rest of his race.

He insisted on watching Eragon train.

He was nosey when Arya smashed the fairth.

He's afraid of flying.

He tells lame riddles. Here's how that flight scene played out.

Orik: I hate flying. contents himself with mutilating more elf dolls

Eragon: Just don't look down.

Orik: looks down Holy Helzvog! drops elf dolls No!

Saphira: Let's tell riddles.

Orik: Okay. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Saphira: No fair. I don't know anything about chickens.

Orik: I know.

Saphira: Oh wait. Is it "to get to the other side?"

Orik: Oh, Guntera. She got it.

Saphira: What herb cures all ailments?

Orik: Cooking is women's business. I don't know s--- about herbs.

Me: Wow. You're a sexist prig, and a racist one! And I bet your cooking is as bad as mine. And that's saying something!

Orik: Go disappear in a puff of logic already.

Me: Okay disappears in puff of logic

He yelled at Saphira when couldn't answer her superior riddles. (Point for Saphira. Woot! Woot!)

He's a total rip-off of Gimli.

He's friends with that hormonal twit, Eragon.

He was happy when Ajihod fired him.

He has a lame king.

Said lame king caused Eragon to incur the wrath of the dwarf people when he offered Eragon kinship because Saphira offered to mend the special ceiling that she broke.

Orik too was upset about the broken special ceiling.

He barely considered the fact that Eragon would've been captured or killed by old fire-engine head if said ceiling hadn't been broken or the fact that old fire-engine head would still be doing evil stuff for lame, old Galby if the ceiling hadn't been broken.

He likes alcoholic stuff way too much.

He got Eragon and Saphira drunk the night of the Varden's leader's funeral

He encouraged Saphira's bad alcohol habits.

He probably has a raspy voice like all speakers of the dwarf language do.

He said he would've let the twins torture Murtagh if he had known he was Morzan's son.

He's short.

He's from a short race.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Here's the ballot for the next chappie:

A. Carvahall villagers

B. Nasuada

C. Jeod

D. Glaedr

Here are the review responses.

Callernumber16onz100: I kinda agree. Nasuada's getting done soon.

Summerset: It's just a bit hypocritical to call me mean when you called me a bitch and a whore for something I never even said. Please, tell me where I said, "This fic is meant to be taken 100 seriously. It is not a random joke that means nothing." because that's not what I think. It's just a joke. Learn to take one.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Thanks for numbers 6, 29, 31, and 32.

Tallacus: I can't do Thorn or Shruikan because nothing much has been said about them. Glaedr will be done though.

Dreamless Wind: Murtagh's being done because a lot of people want him to be done. I agree. Thanks for number 10. I'm not sure if I have enough reasons for Jeod, but he's own the ballot, so I'll do him if I have to.

DragonRider2000: Hi! I agree. That's why Murtagh's being done. You got an Orik chapter. I'm glad you liked the puffs of logic. I got the idea from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, where God disappears in a puff of logic at the part of the guide explaining Babal fish.

Dreamgirlhoo: You got your wish.

Sedoras: That's understandable. Thanks for number 1. I'm glad you like the skits and puffs of logic.

Amantine: Thanks for number 16. I'm glad you liked the Saphira chapter.

Rolling Thunder 420: Sorry she didn't win. She'll prolly win for next chappie.

Meh: Yes, you are. But evil can be good. There's an oxymoron. I don't personally wanna do Murtagh, but a lot of people want me to. Sorry. You got an Orik chapter though.


	17. Carvahall Idiots

Ch. 17

Today we will be laughing at the expense of the Carvahall Villagers. Fuh-uh-un!

Disclaimer: I only own Eragon, Lotr, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, The Outsiders, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Seinfeld in my dreams. If this is a dream, expect to see strange things such as blue centipedes with Spanish accents who investigate murders.

They live somewhere outside of nowhere.

They are scared of trees and rocks.

They weren't too suspicious about the Ra'zac. If someone covers their face, they probably can't be trusted.

They forgot that valuable piece of advice.

They also failed to notice that the Ra'zac had hissed and talked to each other by making clacking noises.

They followed a hormonal, dragon-less teen with zero magic into the aforementioned trees and rocks.

They didn't even question the fact that he thought a hammer was the end-all and the be-all weapon.

The black smith didn't even care that Roran stole the aforementioned hammer.

Some of them decided to be eaten by the seriously lame Ra'zac or enslaved by lame, old Galby.

They followed a guy who made them take barges to a random city with a weird name. (I know it's called Teirm.)

They actually thought the guy who was really fricking old, so old in fact you really wouldn't believe it, was just a storyteller.

They wouldn't give said teen to the empire.

They would still have homes said teen to the empire.

The bar owner complained about having to leave his beer behind.

So said bar owner weighted down their horses with said beer.

The black smith got his wife pregnant before they left.

They let that idiot Sloan get away with letting the Ra'zac kidnap his daughter and killing a random villager.

The black smith told Roran, their savior and trouble causer, to calm down before he went nuts.

They followed a guy they all thought was going nuts.

They as good as told said guy that they didn't think he could give a good speech.

They went into the trees and rocks that they were so pant-wettingly frightened of because of that speech. My, how the times change.

They deserve the titles Lords and Ladies of the Idiots.

They're hobbit rip-offs.

They're also rip-offs of the Rohirim. (sp?)

They followed a Sam rip-off. (Sam is admittedly awesome, though.)

Their village's inhabitants include a big blacksmith, a useless butcher who needs to sort out his priorities, a beer-obsessed tavern keeper, a hormonal twit with magic and a dragon, the world's biggest Sue, and a hormonal twit with no magic or a dragon.

They are all superstitious ninnies.

They let the aforementioned hormonal twit, who had no magic or a dragon, call them livestock to a random guy with barges.

They all failed to notice that Eragon was hiding a dragon.

Some of them wanted to sit around waiting to die or be enslaved rather than do something about seriously lame Ra'zac and lame, old Galby's soldiers.

I refer to them as the Carvahall idiots now.

They gave Roran a lame nickname.

I am now going to write a skit that hopefully spans everything the Carvahall idiots did in Eragon and Eldest.

Eragon: Oh, boy, oh boy. I found a big, shiny rock. Sloan, can I have some meat?

Sloan: Do you have any money?

Eragon: No.

Sloan: Then there's you answer.

Eragon: Where's my answer? Is it under the table?

Sloan: I'm giving you meat if you don't give me money!

Eragon: Well, I brought this big, shiny rock for to trade.

Sloan: What's it worth?

Eragon: I dunno.

Sloan: I'll give you two crowns.

Eragon: TWO CROWNS? You bastard. Alright, I'll take two crowns.

Sloan: I know this is a random line, not as random as the stuff they come up with in The Outsiders, but where did you find that big, shiny rock?

Eragon: Da spine.

Sloan: twitches Sp-sp-sp-spine? smashes miniature spine model with a hammer Get out!

Eragon: Why?

Katrina: Oh, daddy, give him the meat.

Sloan: No.

Katrina: What do you mean no?

Sloan: No! Now get out both of you!

Katrina: runs to get blacksmith

Eragon: I'm not leaving.

Horst: Give him the meat. Here's your money.

Sloan: Money! grabs it and runs off to hoard it

Eragon: Would you mind telling Katrina that Roran has a crush on her?

Horst: Of course not. runs off and tells everyone he's ever met, except Katrina, about the news

Eragon: I found a rock! I found a rock and something's in it!

Brom: I now tell you a story. tells story

Carvahall idiots: Ooh. Ah.

Me: Use some drama, Brommy!

Eragon: Ooh. She's gonna disappear in a puff of logic any second now.

Me: That's right! disappears in puff of logic

Carvahall idiots: Does it seem like Eragon's acting stranger than usual to you guys?

Eragon: I'm not hiding a dragon. Definitely not hiding a dragon.

Horst: Eragon, there are some creepy guys going around. They've been asking about that big, shiny rock you found.

Eragon: Uh, I don't have it anymore:

Horst: Oh, that's good.

Eragon: Are they guys?

Horst: I'm not really sure. See ya around.

Sloan: uses loud voice Yes, I've seen the rock. He tried pay for meat with it. Can you imagine anything worse than someone trying to pay for meat with something they found in the Sp-sp-sp-spine? smashes another miniature Spine model with a hammer

Ra'zac: Thanks for the info. We'll keep in touch.

Sloan: sweat drop I'll tell you if that hormonal twit with no magic or a dragon ever touches my daughter,

Ra'zac: Wonderful.

Eragon: My house.

Saphira: cusses out Ra'zac impressively and flies off with Eragon

Eragon: My uncle and my legs.

Saphira: flies Eragon to town

Gertrude: Eragon, go see your uncle. He's about to buy the farm.

Eragon: No! Uncle Garrow, don't die.

Garrow: dies

Eragon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Horst: Do you think it's weird that Eragon has scars on his legs and a scar on his hand?

Elain: He probably just doesn't want to talk about it.

Horst: You're right. It's still weird.

Elain: Well, he always was strange, dear.

Horst: You're right. Let's make another kid!

Elain: I'm down with that!

Eragon/Brom/Saphira: skip town

Roran: already skipped town to be a miller

Me: skip to Eldest

Albriech: Roran, those weird guys are back. You'd better stay in the Spine because they're asking for you.

Roran: So, they are guys?

Albriech: That's just it. No one knows.

Roran: That's terrible.

Albriech: Isn't it? leaves

Roran: I'm going back to the village because those weirdos set it on fire last night.

Carvahall idiots: Let's fight the soldiers. some of them die We're going to call you Stronghammer.

Roran: I like it.

Soldiers: She's gonna serve me next!

Quimby: Stop fighting over my daughter-in-law, pervs.

Soldiers: kill Quimby

Ra'zac: eat Quimby

Carvahall idiots: The horror!

Birgit: I will have my revenge.

Nolfravell: Mom, calm down.

Roran: Let's send our kids to the Spine!

Carvahall idiots: Let's see. Should we listen to the guy who caused all the trouble? Why not?

Sloan: Don't send them to the Sp-sp-sp-spine! smashes up miniature Spine model with his hammer

Birgit: Okay. I will have my revenge.

Nolfravell: Okay. Mom, calm down.

Roran: Katrina, wanna go into the Spine?

Katrina: Everyone will hate me if I do that!

Roran: No, they won't.

Katrina: Will too.

Roran: Will not.

This goes on for a while.

Katrina: Fine. Promise that you won't sacrifice yourself to save me.

Roran: Katrina!

Katrina: Promise.

Roran: Fine. goes and pouts Hey, Nolfravell, could you keep an eye on Katrina in the Spine?

Nolfravell: I'll try. I have to watch my little siblings and make sure my mom doesn't do anything stupid.

Sloan: She's not going to the Sp-sp-sp-spine! smashes up miniature Spine model with a hammer

Katrina: I'm marrying Roran and going into the Spine.

Sloan: No! tries to strangle Katrina

Roran: punches Sloan

Sloan: You're not getting your inheritance! goes and pouts

Elain: You better marry Katrina.

Roran: I will.

Elain: I know you will. I'll make you.

Roran: Okay. backs out of room because Elain is starting to scare him Hey, Katrina! That was fun. goes to sleep

Katrina: Yes, it was. goes to sleep Holy s---! It's the Ra'zac and some soldiers.

Roran/Horst: fight Damn, those things are ugly. I still can't tell if they're guys or girls.

Soldiers: take Katrina

Roran/Horst/Albriech/Baldor: follow Ra'zac

Sloan: Thank you for rescuing her from that farm boy.

Ra'zac: You're coming with us, Buddy.

Sloan: S---!

Soldier #7: Good riddance! Can we keep the girl?

Ra'zac 1: kills and eats Soldier #7

Roran: My shoulder hurts. Hey, villagers, let's go to Surda! We only have to go through the Spine!

Carvahall: That was a good speech.

Birgit: That was a good speech. I will have my revenge.

Nolfavrell: That was a good speech. Mom, calm down.

Roran: Yo, Tara, Elain wants to know if you have extra space.

Tara: F--- no!

Morn: I can't bring my beer!

Tara: See what you've done.

Carvahall idiots: Let's go through the Spine.

Thane: Here's a walking stick, Roran.

Roran: takes walking stick

Carvahall idiots # 1, 27, and 54: die

Roran: Oh, boy. Narda. Yo, Clovis, can we have some barges? I'm transporting livestock.

Clovis: Okay. Hey, you said you were transporting livestock.

Roran: Between you and me, they're that dumb.

Clovis: I don't believe it.

Roran: tells story

Clovis: Now I believe it. tries to hit Roran

Roran: You're an idiot.

Carvahall idiots and barge crew: get to Teirm

Clovis: Good-bye and good luck.

Roran: sees wanted poster It's a good thing I really need to shave. gets Jeod's help and steals ship

Uthar: I don't want a woman on board.

Nolfravell: That was a BAD idea.

Birgit: kicks Uthar where the sun don't shine I will have my revenge.

Nolfravell: I told you it was a BAD idea. Mom, calm down.

Carvahall idiots: We're off to Surda! Oh s---! Those Ra'zac are chasing us.

Baldor: shoots Lethrblaka without killing it

Horst: That's my son.

Roran: You realize of course that the empire now knows exactly where we are.

Horst: That's NOT my son.

Birgit: I will have my revenge.

Nolfravell: Mom, calm down.

Roran: Let's go through the incredibly dangerous whirlpool.

Carvahall idiots: Okay. actually make it through the whirpool

Ra'zac ship: doesn't make it through the whirpool

Carvahall idiots: Yay.

Birgit: At least the Ra'zac are still alive. I will have my revenge.

Nolfravell: Mom, calm down.

Carvahall idiots: fight empire Wow. Eragon's a rider.

That is the end of my longest skit ever. Here is the ballot for next chapter.

Nasuada

Glaedr

Jeod

Here are the review responses.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: Thanks. You're right about the grammar error. My spell-check didn't catch it.

Nasuada: Yeah, about Murtagh. When the time comes when I will have to finish the fic with an Eragon chapter or write a Murtagh chapter and then an Eragon chapter, I will vote on who is next. Until that time comes, I don't want anyone to say anything about Murtagh because I will ignore it.

I'm glad you like the elf dolls. I'm not sure where those came from, but they're there. I agree with you about the Nasuada thing.

Mouse: I totally agree. Thanks for numbers 2 and 3.

DragonRider2000: Thanks. I might do Jeod next.

Coffee Grounds: Thanks for the livestock and lack of shaving thing.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Thanks. I might do Glaedr next.

Tallucus: I know I'm mean. :D. I need more than one reason for Thorn. He's not being done because there's not enough material for him. Ditto for Shruikan. Glaedr is so getting done.

Bananasrokk: Thanks. You got your wish.

Sedoras: Your accent was funny. Thanks for numbers 1, 26, and 32.

Dreamless Wind: Jeod is probably gonna be next.

Callernumber16onz100: Thanks for liking the fic, and thanks for number 6.

Amantine: That's understandable. Thanks for numbers 6, 12, and 13.


	18. Jeod

Ch. 18

Jeod is victorious. Well, I don't know if you wanna call it victorious. Here's chapter 18.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon or Seinfeld. Who still thinks I do?

His best friend was really fricking old. So old, in fact, you really wouldn't believe it.

Said best friend also worshipped a drunken sword-chucker.

He didn't bother to think that the hormonal twit who was traveling with his best friend could possibly be able to eavesdrop on his special conversation with said really fricking old friend.

Even Eragon remembered to sound-proof the room when he talked to Nasuada.

If we accept number four as true, then Jeod is even dumber than Eragon, and that's saying something.

He tells said friends he' really fricking old, so old in fact you really wouldn't believe it.

He married a woman who was way too young for him.

Said woman likes her father better.

He was too cowardly to face her.

He failed to mention the fact that he was working for the group of people stared the aforementioned really fricking old guy.

He worked for said group of his on free will.

He let everyone's favorite hormonal, dragon-less, magic-less teenager jerk him around.

He let the Carvahall idiots jerk him around too.

His butler was dumb enough to let Roran and his dumb livestock into his house. Here's how that wonderful manipulation scene played out.

Roran: Yo, butler, let us in.

Murtagh: Yo, hata, you stole my line.

Me: You are so mean.

Roran: You're supposed to be suffering, and you're not even in this story!

Murtagh: Hata. vanishes in a puff of logic

Me: I know. vanishes in a puff of logic

Roran: We have a business offer.

Butler: Well, my master's bankrupt, and that really doesn't make sense, but why the hell not?

Roran: We want a ship.

Jeod: I don't have a ship.

Roran: We want takes out prepared speech card of a list and reads it

Jeod: I don't have any of that.

Roran: Too bad.

Nolfravell: Hey, Gertrude.

Gertrude: What?

Nolfravell: I don't know.

Jeod: Hey, you're Roran Garrowson.

Roran: How did you know my dad's name? brandishes hammer threateningly

Jeod: takes out prepared speech card for what to do when you have a hormonal twit brandishing a hammer at you This won't work. rips up speech card in a dignified manner Brom told me.

R.M.E.: You ripped up the prepared speech card? You shall die! vanishes because he really didn't fit in that scene

Roran: Huh?

Jeod: You know your dumb cousin?

Roran: You know Eragon?

Jeod: He and Brom stayed at my house. pulls out prepared speech card for how to tell the aforementioned crazy hammer guy his cousin is a rider I don't know how to say so it's a really good thing I have this card. Your cousin is the new rider we've all been hearing so much about.

Roran: goes into knee-slapping fit

Carvahall idiots: sweat drop We're still proud to be associated with you.

Jeod: backs away slowly

Roran: Hehe. You are such a liar.

Jeod: pulls out prepared speech card for how to stop the crazy hammer guy from calling you a liar and reads it

Roran: tells story of himself and the Carvahall idiots

Helen: Let me in!

Roran: You'd better not let her in.

Jeod: Uh, honey, I'm kinda in the middle of a business meeting.

Helen: You're bankrupt, you liar! cusses Jeod out

Jeod: cusses Helen out

Helen: You'd better come to dinner, or I'm going back home to Daddy.

Jeod: Can you kill me if we don't reach a business agreement? Helen will if you don't. tells story of Brom and Varden

Roran: Why the hell didn't he just walk into the kitchen with a big stupid smiley face and say, "Hey, guys, I've got a dragon"?

Jeod: I admit that would be in character for him to do, but you can't even begin to understand the bond between riders and dragons. Brom told me that when he lost his dragon, the pain was only surpassed by training your cousin.

Roran: Well, that guy was really fricking old, so old in fact I really didn't believe it. I could see how trying to make something stick in Eragon's thick head could be difficult. To make sure this isn't just a load of s---, what did Eragon and Brom look like?

Jeod: Brom was shorter than I am, so fricking old I really didn't believe it, and he had anger issues. Eragon had a big, stupid smile on his face, and he had brown hair, brown eyes, and a scar on his writst.

Roran: Oh yeah. I remember when he got that. Garrow TOLD him to stay away from sharp objects and scythes, but what can you do with people like Eragon?

Jeod: Absolutely nothing. Anyway, wanna steal that ship called the Dragon Wing?

Roran/Carvahall idiots: Okay.

He actually thought his best friend was dead.

He never bothered to figure out if his friend was really dead.

He was supposedly a scholar, and he abandoned Eragon to be taught by everyone's favorite really fricking old guy.

He chose to be a merchant.

If we accept number fifteen as true, then Jeod's taste in jobs is just as bad as Brom's.

He was bad at his job. At least Brom was somewhere near decent at his.

He actually took "Daddy's Little Girl" with him on the suicidal theft of the Dragon Wing.

His name rhymes with toad.

If we add an O to the end, it rhymes with dodo.

He lives next to the kooky herbalist named Angela.

He is not worthy to live near the presence of the awesomeness that is Angela and Solembum.

He didn't notice Eragon until Brom said he was a dragon-rider.

He too deserves the title Lord of the Idiots.

He's so lame, Paolini didn't bother to give him anger issues.

He has a habit of following people on suicide missions.

He brought a "toad-sticker" (to use Brom's exact words) when they went to rob Teirm's records.

His weapon's nickname rhymes with his name.

How did you all like that chapter? I have decided to do a chapter after Eragon. I'm mocking Paolini last. Here are the review responses.

Xo-MidnightSun-Ox: Glaedr is probably gonna be next chapter.

Callernumber160nz100: She will get done. Eventually.

Aneet: What did I say about Murtagh? Glaedr is probably gonna win for next time.

Coffee Grounds: Thanks. You got your wish.

Dreamless Wind: The Varden will probably get a chapter. Thanks for all the Jeod reasons from your chapter sixteen review. They were numbers 2-4, 16-17, 19-21, 23, and 25.

Star Wars Nut: Did I? I think it was in the skit. You got your wish.

Natalie: Oh, thanks. I feel really dumb now. What's coming out soon? Tell me in your next review.

Sedoras: Glaedr is probably getting done next.

Soul of the Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: You got your wish. Thanks. It is incredibly pointless.

Amantine: You got your wish. Thanks for number 16.

Here's the ballot:

Nasuada

Glaedr

Varden


	19. Glaedr

Ch. 19

Today, we will be laughing at the expense of Glaedr. He and the Varden were really close in votes. I was too lazy to count, so Glaedr's getting done.

Disclaimer: You already know what should be said because it's been said seventeen times in this story alone. I don't own Eragon, the Sound of Music or "Jump On It".

He's older than Brom, and that is saying something.

He picked Oromis the undiplomatic as his rider.

Said rider couldn't keep his leg from falling off.

Said rider is also older than Brom, and that is saying something.

In krazykiwigirl27's mind, he will always be purple even though he's really gold.

He's gold. No other dragon is gold.

He turned down the world's coolest dragon.

Said dragon is the only female dragon left in existence.

He was stalked by a dragon that was like 1/64th of his age.

He thuds every time he moves.

Said thudding deafens Eragon.

He killed a random muskrat to prove a point. Talk about cruelty to animals.

His name is as easy to pronounce as fdgjklhszdfgklhfd. Cookies to anyone who can pronounce that.

He's so old he's an artifact.

We could seriously put him in a museum.

I bet they'd bid millions…no billions to have him. Here's a skit where I direct the museum bidding for Glaedr.

Auctioneer: Today, Alsdssg, a fourteen-year old fanfic author, is auctioning off a dragon that has been around since the time of the cave men.

Old museum guy #4 (OMG#4): Is that true?

Me: Of course it is. Would I lie?

OMG#4: He does look that old.

OMG#3: My museum will bid $14million for him!

OMG#4: You tight-wad! We'll bid $20million.

OMG#1: Oh yeah? How about $45million?

OMG#2: We'll do $65million! Take that!

OMG#5: I must him! I'll bid $80million.

OMG#4: You're not outbidding MY museum! I'll give $1billion.

OMG#2: $2billion!

OMG#3: $4billion!

OMG#5: $10billion!

OMG's: That much for a dragon? See you later putz.

Me: Ohmigod! $10billion dollars? Ah!

Oromis: I get half the profit, remember?

Me: Oh yeah. I get $5billion!

Oromis: Shall we celebrate?

Me: Yes, my good elf. We shall.

Oromis: This is nice.

Me: How do you think Paolini feels about his old wise-guy having dinner and selling his dragon with the help of a fourteen year-old fanficion author?

Paolini: You've gutted my masterpiece!

Me: Oh, it's not that bad.

Oromis: You really must try this prawn.

Paolini: That is good.

Me: I know.

In that skit, his rider totally sold him out for money.

His taste buds probably died out around the same time the Neanderthals did.

If not the Neanderthals, they died with the old Cro-Magnons. (We're studying early man in world cultures.)

He is on of the many characters with anger issues.

His gift at Agaetí Blodhren wasn't as cool as Saphira's.

He has a stump-like leg.

He's a hindrance in battle.

He too didn't notice that Morzan was evil.

He too failed to teach Morzan's dragon lessons on how to keep your rider from being a drunken, girlfriend-beating, sword-chucker.

Both he and his rider failed to tell Eragon that his father was really Morzan.

He had to hear it from Murtagh instead.

He's probably all wrinkly.

He roars a lot.

He and Oromis are as old the fricking Neanderthals, and they still don't get each other.

He wouldn't tell his rider about the fight with Saphira.

He told the story of Du Fyrn Skulblaka without any drama.

He got into a fight with the only remaining female dragon. Here's a skit demonstrating Glaedr's role in Eldest.

Eragon: I'm gonna meet Togira Iknoka! I'm gonna meet Togira Iknoka! I'm gonna meet Togira Iknoka!

Glaedr: thud thud thud

Eragon: Ouch! My ears hurt. runs and sucks thumb

Saphira: Wow! He's hot.

Oromis: This is Glaedr, and I'm Oromis.

Eragon: How do you say his name again?

Oromis: Glay-dur.

Eragon: So it's like Glade then Dur.

Oromis: Yes.

Eragon: Okay. So I just think of it like the place I am destined to humiliate myself in front of Arya and the second word of the Varden's random hide-out.

Glaedr: IT'S GLADE DUR ALREADY!

Saphira: Awesome name.

Eragon: Okay. I've got it now. Glade. Dur.

Glaedr: Yes!

Eragon: Woot! Woot! Point for me.

Me: You stole my line!

Glaedr: Why do you keep doing this? We all know what is gonna happen. You're gonna stick around here until someone points out that you're not even in the story. Then you vanish in a puff of logic.

Me: It's still fun. So, shall get this on?

Glaedr: sighs You don't belong in this story. What are you doing here?

Me: Now that's what I like to hear! disappears in a puff of logic

Saphira: I'd like to get it on with you.

Glaedr: SHUT UP!

Saphira: whimpers

Glaedr: Why don't you two know anything that the other knows?

Eragon: I don't even know what I know.

Glaedr: glares at him

Oromis: You two must open your consciences to each other. Only then can you understand the way of the riders.

Eragon/Saphira: Okay.

Glaedr: Oromis is sick. Let's go flying. These are the mountains. That one's Bob and its sister Suzie. And those are their brothers: Bo and Jim.

Eragon: Whoa. The mountains are related.

Glaedr: sighs

Saphira: I know my rider's an idiot.

Glaedr: I can criticize your rider. You can't.

Saphira: No fair.

Glaedr: tells story of the dragon pact and war

Me: Use some drama, Glaedr!

Glaedr: JUST DISAPPEAR IN A PUFF OF LOGIC ALREADY!

Me: Okay disappears in puff of logic

Saphira: Sleep with me.

Glaedr: No.

Saphira: Sleep with me.

Glaedr: No.

This continues for a while.

Saphira: Sleep with me.

Glaedr: I'VE SAID NO FIFTY BILLION TIMES!

Saphira: Why?

Glaedr: I'm not answering that.

Saphira: I shall attack you!

Glaedr: attacks Saphira back

Oromis: Oh my hairless groin! What happened to you, Glaedr?

Glaedr: growls

Oromis: Oh dear.

Eragon: What's up Saphira? What's up? Wait, why am I singing "Jump On It"?

Saphira: Eragon, why wouldn't Glaedr sleep with me?

Eragon: He's too old for you, and he's your teacher.

Saphira: When did you get smarter than me?

Eragon: It had to happen sometime.

Saphira: You're not making me feel better.

Eragon: I know. Just apologize to Glaedr, and everything will be all happy.

Saphira: I'm sorry, Glaedr.

Glaedr: Glad you came around.

Saphira: Let's train.

Glaedr: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO ALL ALONG!

Saphira: Okay, angry pants.

Glaedr: Never call me that again.

Saphira: Okay.

Glaedr: This is my gift to the dragons.

Elves: We liked Saphira's better.

Glaedr: Screw you.

Elves: Yes, sir. go obey dragon and screw themselves

Glaedr: Why do I bother?

Eragon/Saphira: So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night.

Glaedr: Will you stop singing?

Oromis: Here are your gifts.

Eragon/Saphira: So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night.

Glaedr: What did I say about singing?

Eragon/Saphira: shut up and fly away

Glaedr: I hope we never see them again.

Oromis: I can't imagine why you'd say that.

And the final reason is: He dissed me in that skit!

I hope you liked that chapter. Please review. Here are the review responses.

Snowlia: Sorry Nasuada didn't win. She's gonna get done before the fic is out, though.

DrownedinLight: Ditto. I'll probably use a little bit of the Nasuada skit.

Lyokolady: The Varden will probably be next.

Krazykiwigirl27: Lol. Thanks for number 5.

Sedoras: I hope I'm forgiven for not doing Glaedr last chapter. Lol. I'm glad you like the Paolini chapter idea. Summerset can complain up a storm for all I care. :D.

Dreamless Wind: The Varden will probably be done next.

Aneet: Oh, thanks. You got your wish.

Nasuada: I'm glad you liked that line. You got your wish.

Callernumber16onz100: Nasuada will be done, and your reason will be used.

Victoria: The Varden will be done, and your reason will be used.

Tallacus: You finally got another dragon. I hope you liked this chapter.

Nothing: It's Du Vrangr Gata. I'm gonna do them. I didn't think to until your review though. Thanks.

Natalie: I knew who you were. I hope you had a mah-velous time in NYC at PotO. Tell me about it in your next review!

Amantine: The Varden are getting done, and so are your reasons.

Here's the ballot for the next chapter.

Nasuada

Varden

Du Vrangr Gata


	20. Du Vrangr Gata & Trianna

Ch. 20

I must say something. This is definitely one of the most shallow and insensitive fics I have ever seen written. I love it and so do a lot of other people. It's sad but true. I can't believe I've written twenty chapters of it, and I think I'm gonna write at least six more. I'll give you the ballot for the next few chapters at the end. Enjoy this chappie. Du Vrangr Gata won. I'm gonna combine them with Trianna. P.S. I do believe in God. I just made Eragon not believe in God because he turned into the racist, atheist elves.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon, the "One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song, or Finding Nemo. I'm sure you all knew that.

1. They are extremely bad at magic usage. Here's a skit where Eragon tries to teach them magic before the battle of the Burning Plains.

Eragon: Okay, let's get started. Today, we're gonna lift a pebble.

Du Vrangr Gata: Ooh. Ah. We can't lift this pebble. Wah!

Trianna: Idiots.

Eragon: sings Hey Mr. and Mrs. Grump Gills, you know what you gotta do when life gets you down? Just keep trying. Just keep trying. Just keep trying trying trying. What do we do? We try, try, try? OH HO HO! How I love to try. When you WAAAAAANNTTT to try, you want to try.

Du Vrangr Gata: Wow. He sings worse than we do. Woot! Woot! Point for the Shadeslayer!

Trianna: Idiots.

Eragon: If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you, but magic could be!

Du Vrangr Gata: Wow. He is so wise.

Trianna: Idiots.

Eragon: My non-existent God. Even I could lift that pebble before you guys could! Why are you so incompetent?

Du Vrangr Gata: Wow. He gives good constructive criticism. P.S. If God isn't real, why is there a potty fairy?

Trianna: Oh dear Gods! Why are you idiots embarrassing me in front of the idiot I tried and failed to seduce because of his dragon?

Du Vrangr Gata: Huh?

Saphira: Did you call?

Trianna: Oh, Lord.

Du Vrangr Gata: Huh?

2. Their leader tried to seduce everyone's favorite hormonal, dragon-riding twit.

3. She failed.

4. This was because Saphira came into the room.

5. Said leader was scared of Saphira.

6. Said leader also wears a snake around her wrist. That is just plain weird. Here's a skit about the attempted seduction.

Trianna: Hey.

Eragon: Hey.

Trianna: I'm Du Vrangr Gatas temporary new leader. I'd really like you to be the new leader instead because I'm lazy like that.

Eragon: I can't. I'm going to go visit the elves.

Trianna: That's such a shame. Maybe I could teach you about my lame brand of fire-engine-head-creating magic.

Eragon: Sounds fun. I can't though. I'm going to go visit the elves.

Trianna: Too bad. You could've gotten lucky.

Eragon: Wait a minute. Let's go get food.

Trianna: Who can say no to food with an idiot?

Saphira: WHORE!

Trianna: Oh Lord. runs away

Eragon: Why did you stop me from getting laid?

Saphira: I don't think I need to answer that.

7. Their old leaders were everyone's (least) favorite bald traitors.

8. Said leaders tried to extract Eragon's vocabulary so that they could conquer them.

9. All they needed was Eragon's vocabulary to conquer them.

10. Two of them died in like two seconds because of the twins.

11. Their asses were saved by everyone's favorite hormonal, dragon-less teen with zero magic.

12. Come to think of it, they only have a little more magic than said teen. Here's another skit.

Trianna: Ohmigod! They're all dying! Shadeslayer, the empire has two new magicians! It's the…

Eragon: I wonder who the two new magicians are. Holy s---! It's the twins. And holy double s---! There's a new dragon rider. I wonder who it could be.

Du Vrangr Gata: Ten magicians with their lives on the line. Ten magicians. Twins kill one. Watch him snuff it. Nine magicians with their lives on the line.

Roran: I shall smash you twins with my hammer.

Eragon: Don't do it, Roran!

Murtagh: Let him, dawg. I wanna see if them hatas buy da farm.

Du Vrangr Gata: Six magicians…Oh. They're dead. Our hero. Woot! Woot! Point for the crazy hammer guy!

13. They didn't even try to save themselves in that skit.

14. They are less competent than Eragon.

15. The Varden's last two leaders didn't trust either of their last two leaders.

16. All they're good for is lace-making.

17. Their name means "The Wandering Path".

18. They got it backwards so it says "The Path Wandering".

19. It should be Du Gata Vrangr.

20. Their name is about as pronounceable as Glaedr's, and that's saying something.

21. They are in complete and utter awe of the idiotic Eragon.

22. They still didn't listen to them.

23. They have no idea who they want their leader to be.

24.None of their choices are good.

25. If we accept numbers 23 and 24 as true, they're as bad as George Bush. (I just had to put that line in there.)

26. They are as much superstitious ninnies as the Carvahall idiots, and that's saying something.

27. They grew up afraid of their own magical abilities.

28. Their leader has to steal her powers from spirits because she's a sorceress.

29. She could end up a shade.

30. I don't think she'd even make a very good shade.

31. She'd probably make a worse shade than old fire-engine head, and that's saying something.

32. They have had at least two power-hungry leaders.

33. They completely missed the group of assassins.

34. They serve the Varden, whose leader is going to be proven lame soon.

35. Their current leader got mad at Eragon for trying to help save their sorry asses.

36. The hormonal, dragon-riding twit thought said leader was immature because of 35.

37. If we accept number 36 as true, then said leader is more immature than the world's most immature person.

I think that's it. Here are the review responses.

Snowlia: I'm going to bet Nasuada is going to be next.

Midnight4eva: Thanks so much.

Ebz: Like I said for Snowlia. I hope they make Murtagh hot because I'm gonna cry if they don't.

DragonRider2000: Thanks for numbers 2 and 35.

Star Wars Nut: I honestly can't believe I forgot Selena. She's going on the ballot. I don't think she actually married Morzan though.

Sedoras: I'm glad you've forgiven me. I love Gollum too. Not as much as my friend who thinks Chris is creepy and her friend, but I love him. Anyway, thanks for numbers 7, 9, 20, and 35.

Bananasrokk: Thanks for numbers 7 and 17-19. I never thought I had enough for Ajihad, but I think I might be to bash him now.

Nasuada: Don't you think it would be just a little weird if Thorn wanted to mate with Glaedr. I like Saphira, so that's why I put that. Oh, and I needed another reason. I'm willing to bet Nasuada is going to be next.

Tallacus: I totally agree. Geesh, can't I ever be good enough for you? Why can't I ever be right in your eyes? goes off and sobs Lol. Jk.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: The Varden will be done before this fic is up.

Natalie: I'm glad you did. I did Du Vrangr Gata.

Dreamless Wind: Like I said for Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD.

Drownedinlight: I'm willing to bet she's gonna win next time.

Amantine: Thanks so much.

Here's the ballot for the next chappie:

A. Varden

B. Selena

C. Ajihad

After that is going to be Murtagh (possibly), Eragon, and then Chris.


	21. Selena

Ch. 21

We will be laughing at the expense of Selena today. I know, we're all mean.

Disclaimer: Does anyone actually think that I own Eragon or Seinfeld? If you still do, you really have to stop smoking whatever you're smoking.

1. She stayed with the so many-times mentioned drunken, girlfriend-beating, sword-chucker for six years.

2. She did it with Morzan!

3. Morzan is older than the guy who is really fricking old, so old in fact you really wouldn't believe it.

4. She probably did it with the guy who was really fricking old, so old in fact you really wouldn't believe it.

5. Paolini mentions her about four times in two books.

6. She gave birth to a hot-yet-crazy rider and a hormonal, dragon-riding twit.

7. She didn't take Morzan away when she ran away with Eragon.

8. She married a guy who was really bad at recognizing pregnancy.

9. She is the aunt of a hormonal, dragon-less teen with zero magic.

10. Paolini depicts her as a whore.

11. She went back to Morzan after she left Eragon with her brother and sister-in-law.

12. She was ashamed of being pregnant with Eragon. (Sedoras and I don't blame her though.)

13. She didn't tell Garrow that Brom was really Eragon's father.

14. So she let her said second son live thinking his father is drunken, sword-chucking, girlfriend-beater.

15. She is yet another deserving of the title Lady of the Idiots.

16. She's a real-live Carvahall idiot.

17. She was on the run and didn't even bother to change her good clothes.

18. She was making it easier for her drunken, sword-chucking, abusive boyfriend to find her by doing that.

19. I don't think she even married him.

20. She completely forgot all the things Morzan did to the riders of old and followed him because he did something remotely nice for her.

21. She went back to her not-too-bright brother with anger issues to have a kid.

22. She didn't bother to stay with her not-too-bright brother with anger issues even though he was brighter and less temperamental than her boyfriend.

23. She no doubt gave Eragon his obliviousness.

24. If she didn't, she slept with the guy who gave him it.

25. She definitely slept with the guy who gave Murtagh his craziness.

26. She slept with a toady's toad.

27. She died because she wouldn't just stay with her brother until she got better.

28. Callernumber16onz100 says she must be proven lame.

29. I agree.

30. Almost everybody wanted me to prove her lame this chapter.

31. She slept with the guy with so many nicknames.

Here is the production of Selena's Story by: Alsdssg.

Selena: Oh s---! I dropped my insert meaningless object of your own choosing

Morzan: Oh, here it is.

Selena: Ohmigod! You're so hot! I'll follow you everywhere.

Morzan: Okay. thinks That was just too easy.

Selena: Let's sleep together.

Morzan: Awesome. Hey, Galby, check out my new tool.

Galby: Okay. I won't tell the other Foresworn.

Selena: Ohmigod! I'm gonna learn magic.

Morzan: Yeah, dawg.

Selena: Ohmigod! I'm pregnant.

Morzan: Not cool, dawg. hits Selena

Selena: Why did you hit me? What are you: a Foresworn? gives birth to Murtagh I think I'll name him Bob.

Morzan: I was thinkin', more along the lines of Murtagh.

Selena: Sure.

Morzan: Yeah, uh, you can only see your kid once a month.

Selena: Okay.

Morzan: gets drunk

Murtagh: gets in the way

Morzan: Dawg, why ya bein' a hata? chucks sword at Murtagh

Selena: Why must you do these things?

Morzan: I'm Foresworn, yo.

Selena: Ohmigod! That's it! I'm sleeping with the really fricking, old guy! gets pregnant again Murtagh, mommy's gonna have to go now. I'm gonna have to leave you with him.

Murtagh: What yo?

Selena: Ohmigod! You sound like him! leaves Garrow, I'm pregnant!

Garrow: Okay.

Selena: gives birth to Eragon Ohmigod! I've gotta leave! skips town I'm back. Where's Morzan?

Random person: Rumor has it, he's hunting for an egg stolen by a really, fricking old guy and a seriously lame scholar.

Selena: Ohmigod! dies

That's the end of that chapter. Here are the review responses.

Rotem: You got your wish.

Dreamless Wind: I might do Angela. Thanks for number 23.

DragonRider2000: Thanks. You'll see what the others will be like later.

Ebz: I'm glad you're glad that I responded to your review. A Sue is an unrealistic, perfect character who everyone hates because they are usually annoyingly superior. I'm glad you liked the gangsta bit.

Cheesy Goodness: Yes, it is.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: Well, they're all getting done. I just wanna know whom you want done next.

Sedoras: I love Gollum and Gandalf, and I think you are a wonderfully creative reviewer. Thanks for numbers 2-4 and 10.

WeepingWillowleaf: I'm glad you liked this fic and it answers one of your desires. Thanks for number 15.

CallerNumber16onz100: Thanks for number 28.

KrazyKiwigilr27: Thanks for number 5.

Here's the ballot for the next chapter:

A. Ajihod

B. Varden

C. Angela

D. Nasuada


	22. Nasuada

Ch. 22

Nasuada finally won. I know lots of you are going to be very happy. P.S. Can anybody tell me why I've got "Baby Got Back" and "Your Song" stuck in my head at the same time?

Disclaimer: I hope you don't mind/I hope you don't mind/That I put down in words/How terrible it is/ To disclaim the same things every chapter. I don't own Eragon or "Your Song" by Elton John.

1. She thinks Eragon has "a good heart".

2. She never properly ripped into him for cursing Elva.

3. The lame Council of Elders thought she would be their puppet.

4. She's the liege lord of a hormonal, dragon-riding twit.

5. She's already in love with Morzan's hot-yet-crazy son.

6. She's falling out of love with him, and she's falling for Eragon.

7. Her tastes have gone from good to just plain stupid.

8. She moved from a cool mountain city to a lame desert country.

9. Said move cost the Varden time.

10. Said move made the Varden easier to find.

11. Said move made her an easier assassins' target.

12. Said move made it harder for her lame magic-users to find said assassins' target.

13. Said desert country was ruled by a crazy guy who plays with mercury, made himself deaf, and is probably going to blow himself up one day.

14. She was never properly grateful to said man for giving her and the Varden shelter. Here are the reasons she wasn't grateful:

15. She decided to undermine his country's economy by selling lace.

16. Said lace was magical, so that really undermined the country's economy.

17. She has a very low opinion of him.

18. If she doesn't fall for Eragon and Murtagh dies, she is going to fall for Surda's crazy king. I'm serious. You heard it here, folks.

19. She is a complete Eowyn rip-off.

20. She is also a complete Padmé rip-off.

21. She is finally a complete Leia rip-off.

22. She was written by a home-schooled fifteen year-old who ripped her off from three different characters.

23. She didn't even react properly when her love was discovered to be evil. Here's how she reacted:

Eragon: Murtagh's evil, and he's my brother.

Nasuada: Yeah, I figured that out.

Here's how she should have reacted.

Eragon: Murtagh's evil, and he's my brother.

Nasuada: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ani-I mean Murtagh! Why must you be evil?

Murtagh: Hey, baby, that hata made me work for him.

Me: Gosh, darn it, bitch. You should've known that.

Eragon: You two don't belong here.

Murtagh: No duh, yo. I'm out, dawgs. Peace out. -vanishes in a puff of logic-

Me: Ditto. -vanishes in a puff of logic-

24. She made the hormonal, dragon-riding twit her successor.

25. It wasn't like there weren't others who could do a better job.

26. She's probably going to die just so that said hormonal, dragon-riding twit can become leader of the Varden.

27. She rules over a lame group of magic-users.

28. The sluttish leader of said magic-users has zero respect for her.

29. She relaxes by mending clothes.

30. She burned a valuable dress.

31. She didn't notice she burned said valuable dress.

32. Said valuable dress was a gift from the racist dwarves.

33. She needed said valuable dress to look rich.

34. This was because she was poor.

35. Once again, it's partially her fault she's poor. Here's how the wonderful dress-burning scene played out.

Orrin: This is the newest thing I've discovered.

Nasuada: -falls asleep-

Farica: Holy s---! Milady, you're on fire!

Nasuada: Ohmigod! You're right! It's ruined. Now how am I going to look rich?

Farica: Dawg, you could just make them hatas feel over-dressed, yo.

Nasuada: Why are you talking like Murt-Murt….Wah!

Farica: I haven't the faintest.

Nasuada: Oh, good. We're back to normal. Anyway, that sounds like a good idea. How could I manage without you?

Farica: You couldn't.

Nasuada: I know. Now, what do we do about the fact that we're all dirt poor?

Farica: I haven't the faintest.

Nasuada: Hmm. Lace is valuable.

Farica: I suppose so.

Nasuada: Very valuable.

Farica: You already said that, dear.

Nasuada: That's because it takes so much time to make.

Farica: I ALREADY KNEW THAT! WILL YOU GET TO THE GOD DAMN POINT ALREADY?

Nasuada: I could sell lace and completely undermine Surda's economy!

Farica: Now we're talkin'.

Nasuada: Trianna, I know how we're gonna fix the Varden's economy. I know how we're gonna fix the Varden's economy.

Trianna: I'm sure you do.

Nasuada: You're going to make magical lace.

Triannna: -goes into knee-slapping fit- I had no idea you were so funny, Milady.

Nasuada: I was serious.

Trianna: Oh, Lord. You're killing me, Nasuada.

Nasuada: I mean it.

Trianna: No, seriously.

Nasuada: Seriously.

Trianna: You can't fight lame, old Galby with lace!

Nasuada: We can, and we will.

Trianna: If you say so.

Nasuada: I do.

Trianna: Hey, idiots! Nasuada wants us to fight lame, old Galby with lace!

Du Vrangr Gata: Hahahahhahahahahah!

36. She disobeyed her father in an extremely Sue-some manner.

37. She is friends with the world's second-biggest Sue, a.k.a. Arya the Angry.

38. She actually thought Eragon was going to hurt when he drew his sword in Eldest.

39. She's the daughter of a man I will prove lame.

40. I think she's gotten the most disses ever.

That is the end of chapter 22. Here are the review responses.

Amantine: The Varden will be done. I'm updating so quickly because you probably won't get another chapter until next week.

Sedoras: Not in awhile. I'm glad you're flattered. Thanks for numbers 24, 29, and 30.

Meh: I think I did go too far with that one. It was what my readers wanted, though. With Angela, I think it's going to be a more positive approach. I'll still be making fun of her, but I'll try to do it nicely because I think she's awesome. Ajihad will be done. I don't know why I keep spelling his name wrong like that.

Drownedinlight: Thanks for help with the first skit and numbers 5, 23, 29, and 37.

Ebz: I don't think you can think this is funny if you haven't read Eragon, so I don't blame your friend. I think I'm going to do Murtagh using the same idea as I'm going to use for Angela. I hope you're happy I did Nasuada (finally). You're right about number 7 in the last chapter. I don't know why I put that. I hope there wasn't too much fluffy stuff in this. Lol.

Emery flutterby: You're right. Like I said for Ebz. I'm really starting to agree with you.

Dreamless Wind: Don't worry. They will be done.

Tahirih.luv2sew: Ditto. I just drew my own conclusions about Brom really being Eragon's father. Think about it. Ajihad recognized Murtagh by his voice but not Eragon. Oromis said Eragon was as curious as Brom was. I think that Blagden's riddle was to tell Eragon that Brom really was his father. When Eragon randomly asked Brom if he had ever known Selena in the first book, he said he knew her "well enough to miss her when she was gone."

Nasuada: Um, okay. -backs away slowly- Just kidding. Lol. I hope you're glad Nasuada got done. Thanks for numbers 1, 2, 24, 33, and 34.

Iwanttoread: Angela will be done.

WeepingWillowleaf: Like I said for Amantine. Thanks for numbers 8 and 10-13.

Tallacus: You're right. Thanks for number 15, 16, and 36.

Here's the ballot for the next chapter:

A. Varden

B. Orrin

C. Ajihad

D. Angela


	23. The Varden

Ch. 23

I think the Varden won. I'm too lazy to count. Whoever's next is next.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.

1. Their name rhymes with garden.

2. They don't even have a garden in either of their hideouts.

3. Both their leaders will be proven lame.

4. One already has been.

5. A lot of them can't fight to save their asses.

6. They were sheltered by the racist dwarves for God only knows how long.

7. They left the racist dwarves to go to a stupid desert country.

8. They were dying from heat stroke in said country.

9. Said country is ruled by a king who plays with mercury and will probably blow himself up one day.

10. They are supporting themselves by selling lace.

11. Said lace-selling is undermining said desert countries economy.

12. They have been fighting lame, old Galby's for years.

13. Lame, old Galby's army out-numbers them by like thirty-to-one.

14. They only beat said army because they are in a book.

15. They are completely dependent on everyone's favorite hormonal, dragon-riding twit.

16. They are also dependent on the racist dwarves.

17. They are also dependent on the racist elves.

18. They are also dependent on the stupid, desert people whose economy they are currently undermining.

19. Their magicians are severely incompetent.

20. Said magicians have already been proven lame.

21. They are lead by a severely lame council.

22. One of their council membesr wears really s----y perfume. Here is a skit about Eragon's meeting with the Council of Elders.

Eragon: Man, what is that smell?

Sabrae: That is my perfume. It's essence of dog excrement.

Eragon: That explains the smell.

Falberd: Anyway, for Ajihad's successor, we were thinking Nasuada.

Ellesari: She's so lame even we can control her in our lameness.

Council of Elders: It's true.

Eragon: Isn't she a little young?

Ellesari: Young enough to manipulate.

Falberth: Anyway, would you consent to swear fealty to us?

Eragon: Hell no.

Sabrae: But it would look very bad for our puppet if you did.

Eragon: Maybe.

Sabrae: I'll make you wear my perfume if you don't.

Eragon: I will swear.

Jarsha: Here's Arya and Nasuada.

Council of Elders: Will you consent to be our pup-ruler?

Nasuada: Do you putzes really think I don't know what your game is?

Council of Elders: Of course not.

23. They all worship Eragon as badly as Du Vrangr Gata did.

24. Their idiot messenger boy is the worst.

25. They are dependent on an extremely creepy four year old.

26. It was said undeserving object of hero-worship that caused said four year olds creepiness.

27. Their "strongest" magic users were two bald, skinny, nameless twin who were actually traitors and were killed by a crazy hammer-guy they were too dumb too notice.

28. They had a huge celebration and all got drunk on the eve of their leader's funeral.

29. If we accept number 28 as true, than they have really bad taste.

30. One of their members got a rider who was bad at grammar to creepify Elva.

31. One of their members randomly started stealing chickens.

32. They would've just let Eragon, Murtagh, and Saphira die if it hadn't been for Orik, the racist, short, and lame. Here's how that scene played out.

Murtagh: Damn, yo. That's a shizload of hatas.

Eragon: Ohmigod! We're gonna die!

Murtagh: Dawg, you gotta come wit a plan.

Eragon: I shall bang this rock on the door! Open sesame!

Murtagh: That the best they could come up wit, yo?

Eragon: It's not working!

Saphira: It's on the other side, putz!

Eragon: Oh.

Murtagh: Damn, how we gonna get past them hatas?

Eragon: We go through the waterfall! I'm drowning.

Varden: Well, we've been watching them for about twenty minutes. I think we should stop laughing at their expense and go shoot some Kull.

Twin: Are you crazy? That idiot was yelling, "Open Sesame" on the wrong side.

Orik: He's a rider, Putzes.

Varden: Okay! –shoot Kull-

Twins: No! You let them live! We shall search your minds.

Eragon: But the pretty-pretty lady is hurt.

Murtagh: Come on, yo. Have a little pity for the hot chick, dawgs.

Twin: No.

Varden: Wait! That's Arya the Angry. She can't be aloud to die.

Twin: Fine. Okay, we're gonna have our revenge on that idiot first.

Other twin: Agreed.

Eragon: No. Ouch. Okay.

Murtagh: No. Ouch. No. Ouch. No.

Orik: My gods! This is just plain ridiculous.

Varden: Is it?

Twin: Grr.

Well, the Varden's chapters done, and I just lost the game. What is the game, you ask? I can't tell you unless everyone who reviews promises that they will play the game for the rest of you lives. I'll give you a hint. You're winning now, and I just lost again. Here are the review responses.

Bannasrokk: When did I put that idea into your head? I've had that idea before, but was that in the last chapter? Just wondering. Ajihad might be next. Angela will probably get done too. I thinks she's second in coolness only to Murtagh, but she's a major character, and I'm trying to do all the major characters. (Some minor ones have been done too.)

Anonymous Reader13: Ajihad will be done. Don't worry.

Tallacus: Yeah, Orrin's probably going to win next. I'll use those reasons.

Ebz: You've really gotta stop all that denial, girl. Lol. I'm glad you like the title "Arya the Angry". It does fit her.

Bugz Attack: Thanks.

DragonRider2000: Thanks. I'm glad you liked the title "Arya the Angry".

Feisty Feline: Thanks. I'm flattered that you think it's that funny. I hope this Varden chapter was satisfactory. Solembum is way too cool for my school with the hideous gym tunics and Madeline-outfit uniform. I'm not kidding. We have to wear a DRESS for gym. Well, we wear shorts underneath it, but it's still hideous. I'm going to an all-girls high-school, and the gym uniforms are HIDEOUS! I've said that a lot. I don't know why I'm bothering you with this, but hey. I love Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy too.

Meh: I totally agree. Orrin is probably getting done next.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Thanks for numbers 4 and 5. I don't think you're annoying, but I don't know you personally so I couldn't attest to that. Maybe you are the world's most annoying person. Lol . Jk.

Dreamgirlhoo: He'll get done. I think his name does sound like a dwarf's.

Victoria: Well, the Varden just got done, and Orrin will be done, so I hope you're happy.

Coffee Grounds: I'm sorry Orrin didn't win. I'll probably use your skit a little bit. (Tehe. That rhymed.)

Sedoras: Of course you don't. –cough- -cough- liar –cough- -cough- Lol. Of course I like how you write interesting, non-straight-forward reviews. It's a nice change, and I love Gollum and Gandalf. Angela will be done.

WeepingWillowleaf: Orrin will be done, and the Varden just got done. I'm glad you thought I out-did myself on the Nasuada chapter. I don't think this one was as good, but you know.

Aneet: It's kk. Orrin will be done.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: Well, the Varden just got done. Thanks for number 13. I hope I made you happy.

Nasuada: Angela will be done. I was joking. There wasn't any confusion. I was just saying something, that's all.

Snowlia: I'm glad you're glad I did Nasuada. I agree with you about Orrin's name.

Dreamless Wind: You got your wish. Thank you for the Murtagh action-figure. I'll cherish it because of its model. Lol.

Amantine: That's right. My school's okay. I just hate the uniforms thing mentioned in Feisty Feline's review. Oh, and my religion teacher's overly zealous, and Spanish is not fun. I hope this was a soon enough update. I had a lot of frees today, so I did all my homework during those.

Can anybody tell me why "1-2 Step" is stuck in my head, and I just lost the game again? Oh well. Review. Here's the ballot for the next chappie.

A. Ajihad

B. Angela

C. Orrin


	24. Angela and Solembum

Ch.24

Hey! Here's the next chapter. Angela and Solembum won. Not everyone promised to play the game for the rest of their lives, and I can't violate its sanctity. LOL. Anyway, I'll pm the people who promised explanations of the game. Okay. Now, we move to chapter 24.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.

She spends most of her free time trying to prove toads are really frogs.

Nasuada and I don't think she can tell the difference.

Eragon thought she was lame, and that's saying something.

She wouldn't just tell Eragon and Brom were Jeod the toad lived.

She had to make them use proper grammar. (Actually, it was quite funny.)

Her werecat's name is Solembum.

That is just annoying.

She is one of my favorite characters in Eragon, and that hasn't stopped me from writing this chapter.

She is followed around by a rude werecat.

Said werecat often falls in love with Saphira, Angela, or Maud in fan fiction.

She's based on the creepy author of Eragon's sister.

She talks to her cat.

Surely this shows signs of lonely spinsterhood.

She is probably just as old the guy who is really fricking old, so old, in fact, you really wouldn't believe. (I never get tire of that line.)

Said really fricking old guy stood up for her.

She made fun of Brom's sad fate.

All her customers are superstitious ninnies.

She described Eragon's lust for Arya the angry as an "epic romance".

She actually offered to cast his fortune and gave him more of a burden than he already needed to bear. Here's how the fortune-telling and bad direction-giving scene played out.

Brom: Could you tell us where Jeod Longshanks lives?

Angela: I could.

Brom: Will you tell use where Jeod Longshanks lives?

Angela: I would. In the name of non-existent toads, haven't you ever heard of grammar, you ignoramus?

Brom: Which house is Jeod Longshanks'?

Angela: Now we're talking. It's the one right next store ignoramuses.

Eragon: Toads exist.

Angela: Well, ignoramus, I'm trying to prove that they don't.

Me: I don't see where you're going with this.

Angela: I'm sure you don't, and I don't think you belong here.

Me: I know. I just like puffs of logic. –disappears in a puff of logic-

Angela: I can understand that. –goes back to trying to prove toads don't exist-

Eragon: Ooh. Shiny metal rod. I want to touch it. –touches rod- Ouch!

Solembum: Ignoramus.

Eragon: I don't even know what that word means. And holy s---! A talking cat.

Me: It means that you're an ignorant boob.

Eragon: What's a boob?

Me: I'm just gonna disappear in my own puff of logic now. –disappears in a puff of logic-

Solembum: Do I look like a normal cat?

Eragon: No, but I don't know what you could be.

Solembum: I'm a werecat.

Eragon: Werecats aren't real.

Solembum: Than why am I here?

Eragon: I don't know. My tiny brain can't grasp it.

Angela: Oh, Solembum simply sees promise in you. He shows such things by insulting people and being rude in general.

Solembum: Actually, I just thought he was an idiot.

Eragon: -ignore Solembum-

Angela: I'll read your fortune with dragon bones.

Eragon: Not Saphira's kin!

Angela: Anyway, who are you?

Eragon: Eragon.

Angela: Is that your name or who you are?

Eragon: I don't know. I can't tell the difference.

Angela: Anyway, Solembum has only spoken to two people. One was a beggar and the other was a woman. I believe he called the beggar "filthy guttersnipe" and the woman "stupid whore". I can't remember though. (A/N: Just so you all know, that's just to make fun of Solembum) Anyway, only the woman agreed.

Eragon: What did you tell her?

Angela: I can't tell you that, you nosy twit.

Eragon: I'll here the fortune because my mother did.

Angela: I can't say that you're too bright, but here goes nothing. Gobbledygook.

Eragon: There's some real magic going on.

Angela: Holy s---! I cannot read this. Hmm. You're never going to die and put Brom out of his misery. You're going to have an epic romance with a Mary-Sue. A family member will betray you.

Eragon: Not Roran!

Angela: I wouldn't know. Well, I would actually, but I'm going to be mean and not tell you. Anyway, you're going to leave Alagaësia, and we'll be short an idiot because of that.

Eragon: Wow.

She was a total bitch about Murtagh.

All she does with her great power is become a fortune-teller.

She doesn't even fortune-tell the good way.

In my humble opinion, fortune-telling is the dumbest enterprise ever.

She's lazy.

She follows Eragon around everywhere.

She is either a cradle-robber or lacking a life. (That second one would make her much like me, actually.)

She answers everything in riddles. How is that gonna save Alagaësia?

She complained about having to tell Nasuada what was up with Elva.

She uses big words like quagmire. (Admittedly, that is quite funny.)

She gets Nasuada to use those words.

She actually wanted to see Orrin's stupid and useless laboratory that he dragged to the battlefield.

She is hated by the short and racist dwarves.

If she was in Harry Potter, she'd probably be with Sirius or Remus. More cradle robbing!

She likes said dwarves' weapons.

She wouldn't tell Eragon that he was Morzan's son. I bet she knew, too. If she didn't, that one doesn't count.

She insults every race, except perhaps the dragons and the werecats.

She's a spaz.

Solembum saw promise in the hormonal, dragon-riding twit.

Apparently, he shows his appreciation of a person by insulting them.

Said cat turns into a creepy, little assassin.

I think, but I'm not positive, that she got the same number of disses as Nasuada.

Here are the review responses.

Amantine: Thanks for all the numbers that had to do with Angela's inability to answer a question and thanks for number 1.

Sedoras: Good guess, but I pm-ed you to tell you what the game really was. I like you as a reviewer, and I like Bambi, Gollum, and Gandalf. I accepted your condition and had two puffs of logic in one skit. Thanks for numbers 21 and 27. Ajihad is getting done soon.

Ebz: Erm, okay. Thanks. I hope this Angela chapter was satisfactory.

Hardfall: Orrin will be done. I'm glad you liked the skits. I sent you a message explaining the game.

Snowlia: Sorry Orrin didn't get done. Maybe next time.

Tallacus: I did forget, didn't I? Thanks for numbers 1, 11, and 40.

Megalomaniac Dude: Ajihad will be made lame. I thought I made it clear that I don't know if Murtagh is going to be done yet. I told you we're voting after I've done everyone except him, Eragon, and Paolini. No, I can't, and Horst is a Carvahall idiot.

Dreamless Wind: Angela and Solembum were a two-fer. Yeah, he is. Thanks for numbers 6, 7, 11, and 32. I have to agree with you.

Drownedinlight: Thanks for numbers 1, 11-13, and 33-36. It is fun, and I can only update really fast on weekends.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: Orrin will be done. I'm glad you understand the 1,2 step problem. It's probably because some other girls were listening to it on the crew bus.

xP: Orrin will be done.

Nasuada: That sucks. Thanks for numbers 1, 2, 16, 18, and 20.

Here's the ballot for the next chapter.

Orrin

Ajihad

Urgals


	25. Urgals and Kull

Ch.25

Urgals and Kull beat both Ajihad and Orrin by one vote. Sorry to those who wanted one of the latter two. Anyway, on with ficcie.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon, Harry Potter, Spaceballs, or the Chronicles of Narnia, which were my absolute favorite books when I was growing up and have been decently adapted into movies.

They're baby-killers. Grr.

They have horns.

They are complete, total, and utter rip-offs of Orcs.

They are also complete, total, and utter rip-offs of goblins.

They don't have horns in the movie, or so I have been informed.

They are a bad mix of man and goat.

They're not cool like satyrs or fawns. (Woot! Woot! Point for Tumnus.)

They smell like bad meat.

They were under old fire engine head's command.

It took them fricking forever to realize this. In the words of Ron, how thick could you get?

One of them sent his wife/mate/dam or whatever she was to ask Galbatorix what was up.

Said Urgal got said whatever killed.

They thought old fire engine head was evil because he got them to all work together.

They were dumb enough to offer their services to lame, old Galby.

They then went over to the Varden.

The Kull are complete, total, and utter rip-offs of Uruk-hai.

The Kull are also complete, total, and utter rip-offs of trolls.

They called lame, old Galby father.

They have an uglier and more guttural language than the dwarves, and that's saying something.

They slaughtered an entire village because old fire engine head told them to do so.

They are uglier in the movie than Chris describes them.

Two of them got killed by everyone's favorite hormonal, dragon-riding teen quite randomly in Yazuac.

They don't believe in wearing clothes beyond loin-cloths and armor.

They butt heads before forming treaties. Somehow, I just don't think this is gonna promote peace.

They're described as "man-beasts" in the book.

C.P. made them misunderstood. How cheesy is that?

If we accept number 27 as true, they are part of a God-only-knows-how-old cliché.

They disgust Eragon the Ignoramus.

They are so ugly nobody wants to work with them.

I bet they are as ugly as the Ra'zac, and that's saying something.

One of them tried to kill the guy who was really fricking old, so old in fact, you really wouldn't believe it, by kicking his horse.

The Kull couldn't catch Eragon the Ignoramus and Murtagh the hot-yet crazy, who were both dog-tired and riding dog-tired horses.

Said Kull are supposed to be "elite Urgals".

Said Kull were also drilled with arrows shot by everyone's favorite outnumbered underdogs, the Varden.

Here is a skit detailing the Yazuac scene.

Eragon: Ohmigod. Dead bodies. It's horrible.

Brom: Yes, it is.

Eragon: -throws up all over Brom-

Brom: Why me?

Me: You're the old wise guy, putz. You have to put up with his s--- until the day you die.

Brom: Will that be long?

Me: You have about 200 more pages to go.

Brom: I'll try to bear it.

Me: Hem. Hem. Do I belong in this story?

Brom: Why are you here?

Me: I'm so underappreciated. –disappears in a puff of logic-

Eragon: -ignore Brom and the crazed authoress of this fic- Here are Ra'zac tracks. Hehe. That rhymed. I guess I'm a poet, and I didn't even know it.

Brom: -smacks head- Why?

Me: Haven't we had this conversation enough times?

Brom: Just disappear in a damn puff of logic already!

Me: Aye, aye, sir. –disappears in a puff of logic-

Brom: Holy s---! Urgal tracks! They're still here. Ride, you idiot.

Eragon: -pulls himself onto Cadoc rather unceremoniously and falls off and gets back on-

Brom: Could you move any slower?

Eragon: Yes, actually.

Brom: Just ride.

Eragon: Giddy-up!

Urgal 1: -punches Eragon-

Eragon: And I was riding away so ceremoniously too. You shall pay. –gets into a nerd-fight with Urgal 1-

Brom: Not so fast, beast.

Urgal 2: I shall kick your horse. –laughs like a dying seal-

Me: You stole my laugh.

Urgal 2: On the contrary, I think you stole my laugh.

Me: Oh, really?

Urgal 2: Yeah, really.

Me: I think not.

Brom: YOU DON'T EVEN BELONG IN THIS STORY! DON'T SCREW IT UP ANYMORE!

Me: Who's supposed to be unconscious right now?

Brom: Oh yeah. –falls unconscious.

Me: Now that that's settled-disappears in a puff of logic-

Urgal 2: I think I'll go after the idiot instead.

Urgal 1: Oh, yes, let's.

Eragon: Ohmigod. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president.

Me: Stop quoting Spaceballs and use magic already! –vanishes in puff of logic because she doesn't trust Eragon to tell her to-

Urgals: Thehe.

Eragon: I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. Ooh. I suddenly feel a way to not die. GOBBLEDYGOOK!

Urgals: -burn up in quite an impressive light-show-

That's the end, my dear friends. Tehe. That rhymed. Here are the review responses.

Callernumber16onz100: Orrin or Ajihad will be done next. We'll have to just wait and see who wins.

Amantine: Thanks for numbers 1, 2, 9, and 10.

Ebz: Thanks. I'm glad someone likes Angela as much as I do. She's just so awesome. Orrin will be done soon. (Well, next week-end, most likely.) He is quite weird.

Dreamless Wind: Thanks for number 18.

Sedoras: That was a very random and funny review. Ajihad will be done. Did you get my message explaining the game, which you just made me lose?

Tallacus: Thanks for numbers 3-8 and 17.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: And it was.

Unluckybob: Yes, I did. It was number 2 of chapter 22.

Aneet: Yes, you are. I'll send you a message explaining it.

Nasuada: Eragon is second to last chapter. CP is the grand finale. It will be fun. Eragon's chapter is probably going to be like sixty disses. I'm serious. I don't know how many skits. I'll probably come up with a few. He's been dissed in other people's skits though. I'm glad you like the skits, and Ajihad is next week-end.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Ajihad will be done next week-end, though I'm not sure if he's before or after Orrin.

Tahirih.luv2sew: Sorry about Angela-bashing. I really do think she's awesome. I just had to mock her. I'm weird like that. It was what my readers wanted. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter.


	26. Ajihad

Ch.26

I cannot believe I have written 26 chapters of this shallow and insensitive fic. Anyway, Orrin and Ajihad were pretty much tied. I decided to take Natalie's advice and do Ajihad. (She helped me come up with an awesome Paolini chapter.) Orrin will be done tomorrow.

Disclaimer: I hope you don't mind/I hope you don't mind/That I put down in words/How terrible it is to disclaim Eragon again. I also don't own "Your Song" by Elton John.

1. He's as bald as the twins.

2. Yet he still has a beard. That is odd.

3. If we accept number 2 as true, Ajihad needs some help from the Fab Five. (Don't own "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Do you guys have any idea how rich I'd be if I actually owned all the stuff I've disclaimed?)

4. He wears colors that don't really match. Once again, help from the Fab Five.

5. His daughter has proven lamest so far.

6. He didn't realize that the creepy, bald, nameless twins were traitors.

7. He clearly forgot that namelessness is a sign that something's up.

8. His predecessor was even dumber than he was because that guy let the twins into the Varden.

9. He is the leader of a group that has been proven lame.

10. He locked up Murtagh because he was Morzan's son.

11. He also failed to realize that Murtagh and Eragon looked almost exactly alike.

12. This all shows that he is incredibly unobservant.

13. He survived the big battle, and then he got killed by the seriously Orc wannabes.

14. He told Murtagh to take off his shirt once he recognized his voice.

15. Even Eragon thought he didn't seem like the type to have a relationship with a woman.

16. The guy who is really fricking old, so old in fact you really wouldn't believe it, didn't trust him.

17. He incurred the wrath of Islanzadí because Arya the Angry disappeared.

18. He never managed to convince Islandzadí to return to supporting the Varden.

19. He too is completely dependent on the lame and racist elves, racist and short dwarves, and Eragon the Ignoramus.

20. He oils his bald head. That is just plain weird.

21. His daughter is in love with the guy he locked up.

22. He couldn't get his daughter to obey his orders.

23. He said he didn't know how to deal with Eragon the Ignoramus.

24. He gets no respect from the lame and racist elves, the racist and short dwarves, and the hormonal dragon.

25. Said hormonal dragon gave Islanzadí more respect than she gave him.

26. His military commander has absolutely no purpose in the story.

27. He let Paolini have him killed by Orc wannabes even though he's supposed to be a "merciless fighter".

28. I don't think his deeds are even mentioned in the Battle under Farthen Dûr.

29. He failed to kill Old Fire Engine Head and just scratched his blade.

30. Meh called him Ajihaddy.

31. Orik was happy to be released from his service.

32. He fought the drunken, girlfriend-beating sword-chucker and failed to kill him too.

33. He told Eragon the Ignoramus to keep the Varden out of chaos.

34. He named Nasuada his successor.

35. He's barely in the story, and he still got 34 disses besides this one.

Here is a skit detailing Ajihad's extremely brief role in Eragon and Eldest.

Ajihad: So you're the prisoners?

Twin 1: Yes, he is.

Twin 2: Hey!

Eragon: Wow. They look exactly alike.

Ajihad: That's because they're twins. They don't have names. I know that is usually a sure-fire sign of a traitorous nature, but I need spell-casters. By the way, you've all placed me in an extremely difficult position. Orik, you have been a bad, bad dwarf, and you, random guy, have refused to be examined. Plus, you, rider, seem to exude difficulties along with idiocy.

Murtagh: Dawg, choo'd still be a hata if ya knew the truth.

Ajihad: I have known only one man who spoke in that strange, strange voice. It was twenty-three years ago, and I still haven't forgotten the way he said, "Dawg." Take off your shirt.

Murtagh: Dawg, dat is just plain queer.

Ajihad: Just do it.

Murtagh: -takes off shirt-

Me: Ohmigod. –takes pictures-

Ajihad: -fails to notice crazed authoress-

Orik: You know you don't belong here.

Me: I know. –disappears in a puff of logic-

Ajihad: Turn around.

Murtagh: -turns around-

Ajihad: Murtagh!

Murtagh: That's me, dawg.

Twins: Oh dear.

Orik: If I had known, I would've let them pry into his mind.

Ajihad: Well, that wouldn't have been the right thing to do, and we will avoid locking you up if you let them into your mind.

Murtagh: Dawg, them hatas ain't goin' in my mind.

Ajihad: I admire that. Lock him up in a windowless room!

Twins: Aye, aye, sir.

Ajihad: Orik, go. I have to talk to them.

Eragon: -tells story in an overly-enthusiastic voice complete with hand gestures until he forgets what happens-

Saphira: -finishes story-

Ajihad: -talks until Eragon falls asleep and has to be awoken by Saphira- You present a military difficulty. I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do with you.

Eragon: Why is everyone trying to control my destiny? Why should I listen to your plans which are probably much smarter than mine? Why am I suddenly sounding like an overly dramatic, soap-opera teen?

Ajihad: You are such an idiot. If you weren't a dragon rider, I'd have you tickled to death for that speech.

Eragon: Meep.

Saphira: Like I'd let that happen.

Ajihad: Orik, you're fired.

Orik: Yes, I'm fired.

Donald Trump: You stole my line! –proceeds to sue Ajihad, win, become more obscenely rich than before, and disappear in a puff of logic-

Ajihad: We must do battle. Nasuada, leave with the women and children.

Nasuada: Okay. –doesn't leave-

Ajihad: No, Urgals!

Eragon: Ohmigod!

Ajihad: Eragon, I can't believe you're all I have to depend on. I want you to keep the Varden out of chaos. I doubt you can, but please, try to overcome your ignorance. –dies-

Eragon: Why must the good die young?

That's over. Here are the review responses.

Bananasrokk: I do actually laugh like a dying seal. I love Tumnus too. I hope you never do either.

Meh: I bet it is. Thanks for number 30. Eragon is second-to-last.

Iwanttoread: I will.

Natalie: I've already called you. Anyway, the final battle is part of the CP chapter.

Chris Blanchard: Thanks.

Tallacus: What do you mean? Anyway, Ajihad got done, and Orrin's tomorrow.

Amantine: Well, here it is.

Megalomaniac-Dude: I can understand that.

Ebz: I'm glad you like the nicknames. I love nicknames. They're great dissing points. I have to look up that quote, and I love Ron too. Orrin is next.

WeepingWillowleaf: I'm glad you liked puffs of logic, and I hope you liked this Ajihad chapter.

Meh: It's fine. I think you reviewed me twice. Yes, I was actually. They didn't show up.

Nasuada: I'm glad you like my plan. Elves and dwarves are public property because they're really part of myths, but the Urgals are inexcusable rip-offs. Thanks for the title "Orc wannabes". I hoped you liked the gansta talk.

Victoria: I'm glad you like that nickname. It really fits Durzan, doesn't it? I can't wait until I diss them either.

Drownedinlight: Orrin is the king of Surda. Where in the world did you get that idea?

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: He's next. Don't worry.

Rock Not War: That's understandable.

Sedoras: I can't believe I did that. I hope you got my second message about the game. I hope you liked the Ajihad chapter.

Dreamless Wind: That's why he's next.

Aneet: Yes, he is. Orrin's next.

Coffee Grounds: Yes, it is. LOL. Orrin's next.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: I'm glad you like it.


	27. Orrin

Ch.27

You all knew this is Orrin's chapter. Here it goes.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon. Do you really think Paolini would've written this?

1. He got his economy undermined by lace.

2. He's totally got a thing for the woman who undermined said economy by lace.

3. He plays with mercury.

4. He does completely useless experiments while he should be trying to rule his kingdom.

5. His kingdom is too hot.

6. Even Angela thought he was weird.

7. His experiments make him singe off his hair.

8. I think that's because he wants to look like the twins.

9. Eragon did too.

10. He goes around trying to find the elves wrong (or right). Nobody's sure.

11. He's Orrin the Original in a bad way.

12. He made himself temporarily deaf.

13. He's destined to make himself blind.

14. He's destined to blow himself up.

15. His name sounds like Orik, the racist ripper-upper-of-elf-dolls.

16. He has less common sense than Eragon does, and that's saying something.

17. He has less common sense than I do, and that's really saying something. (Natalie confirms this.)

18.He brought his lab to the battle.

19. Said lab was very heavy.

20. Said lab was also very explosive.

21. He will no doubt invent nuclear warfare.

22. This'll be how he'll blow himself up and make himself deaf and blind.

23. Even Nasuada is a better ruler than he is, and that's saying something.

24. He's a hormonal twit of a ruler.

25. He wouldn't lone the Varden money so he got undermined by lace.

26. One of my reviewers couldn't remember who he was.

27. Natalie forgot who he was.

28. He really has no purpose in the book.

29. I think he has as little purpose as Katrina and Jörmundur.

30. Even Eragon considered him dumb, and that's saying something.

31. He gets even less respect than Nasuada, and that's saying something.

32. He doesn't understand Nasuada's emotions.

33. He also likes playing with quicksilver.

34. He's really into vacuums.

35. He wanted the Varden troops to die because his own troops were too incompetent.

36. His prime minister looks as old as the guy who's really fricking old, so old in fact you really wouldn't believe it.

37. bet he was all over Angela when she was checking out his lab stuff.

Here is a skit detailing Orrin's miniscule role in Eldest.

Orrin: Hey, hot chi-I mean Nasuada, check out this mercury.

Nasuada: Mercury?

Orrin: -pulls out limited edition reading glasses stolen from Christopher Paolini and goes into very long tangent about mercury-

Nasuada: -falls asleep and has to be awakened by Farica, who also fell asleep-

Orrin: And that is what mercury is. Do you have anymore questions?

Nasuada: I wish I'd never asked.

Orrin: Good. Then you'll be ready to take the quiz.

Nasuada: -pulls out sword-

Orrin: -pulls out sword-

Me: Violence is not the answer!

Orrin: You're right. No quiz.

Nasuada: Damn, I wanted to skewer him.

Me: That's understandable.

Orrin: Do you even belong in this story?

Me: Woot! There's common sense in you after all! –vanishes in puff of logic-

Nasuada: I need Mur-I mean money.

Orrin: I can't give you any money. Well, I would if you….on second thought, never mind.

Nasuada: Fine. I'll just undermine you by selling lace. –leaves to proceed with plan-

Orrin: Nasuada, are you undermining me by selling lace?

Nasuada: No, duh.

Orrin: You can't do that!

Nasuada: Yes, I can.

Orrin: No, you can't.

Nasuada: -pulls out sword-

Orrin: Yes, you can. I have learned that violence is not the answer from the woman who is not as wonderful as you but still pretty wonderful who gave me my own chapter instead of just a miniscule part.

Natalie/Christine/the cow (please don't ask- it's a guy I know): You don't know her personally.

Natalie: Do you know what "dssg" stands for?

Me: Guys, you stole my part!

The cow: Your mom.

Me: Your face.

The cow: Your mom's face.

Natalie/Christine: Point for the cow! Woot! Woot!

Orrin: I'm going to use my newly discovered powers of common sense and make you all disappear!

Me/Natalie/Christine/the cow: -vanish in puff of logic-

Nasuada: Good gravy, that was weird.

Orrin: We agree on something! –hugs Nasuada-

Nasuada: Get off me now.

Orrin: Meep.

Nasuada: Now we understand each other.

Orrin: I love you.

Murtagh: Dawg, get yo hands off my woman.

Nasuada: Murtagh!

Me: He's mine, you bleepin' bleep!

Natalie: Remember you're in love the cow and Shaun.

Me: Shut up.

Natalie: I'm just teasing you.

Me: I know.

Murtagh: You two chicks don' belong in dis 'dote.

Me/Natalie: We know! –vanish in puff of logic-

Orrin: You don't belong in this scene either.

Murtagh: Playa hata. –vanishes in puff of logic-

Orrin: I'm going to bring my chemistry set to the battle!

Angela: Awesome chemistry set!

Orrin: I suddenly like you almost as much as Nasuada!

Angela: I am totally against cradle-robbing.

Orrin: Dagnibbit.

Mr. L: You stole my line!

Me: What are you doing here?

Mr. L: I'm just reminding to play the game.

Me: I lost the game.

Natalie: So did I!

Mr. L: Don't go to –blank- West?

Natalie: We are going to fortify the castle against you!

Me: Inside joke. Sorry.

Orrin: You don't belong in this story.

Me/Natalie/Mr. L: -vanish in puff of logic

End of skit. Here are the review responses.

Snowlia: I notice things like that. It comes from my slash lovin' friends.

Sedoras: Yes, it is, and you made me loose again. Thanks for numbers 7, 8, 11, and 21. I can't believe I'm doing so well.

Ebz: Thanks. I always thought that was a little when he did that. Nasuada/Murtagh so exists. LOL. I shall torment you with it.

Drownedinlight: It's KK. Thanks for numbers 1, 18, 20, and 37.

Unluckybob: It's KK.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: Yeah, it has come because yesterday's tomorrow is now today. (So many people used that quote in my yearbook last year I wanted to puke.)

Dreamless Wind: That was indeed an interesting phrase.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Thanks.

Nasuada: I loved that scene too.

Coffee Grounds: Actually, Paolini himself said that they had more time to interact. Nasuada tells Eragon that she visited Murtagh in Farthen Dûr and that he's lonely and Eragon should visit him. When Eragon visited Murtagh, he mentioned seeing Nasuada and how pretty she was and how poised she was and how she looked like a princess and so on and so forth. Then, at the end of Eldest, when Eragon tells everyone that Murtagh's evil, Nasuada says that she "enjoyed his company in Farthen Dûr" and was sorry that he "had to suffer more". There is so Murtagh/Nasuada. Ebz, are you reading this?

Amantine: Thanks for numbers 3 and 18.

Okay, for next chapter, do I skip Murtagh, never do him, and just go onto Eragon, or do I do him, then Eragon? Majority rules. If you don't want to read a Murtagh chapter, just open up the story if you see that I've updated, and if it says Murtagh in the chapter 28 spot, just don't read it. Don't flame me for it. You don't like, don't read. Okay? If he doesn't win, we won't have this problem at all. Just vote. If you don't vote, you really can't complain.

P.S. I have soooooooo much planned for the CP chapter. I'm really hoping it's the best I've done. I've already written the end of the end.


	28. Murtagh

Ch.28

Murtagh is getting done! And I got to burn food in Biology! Ah, the joy!

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.

1. He rescued everyone's favorite hormonal, dragon-riding twit from a bunch of cannibalistic Nazgul-rip-offs.

2, He shows people his scar at random intervals.

3. He's ripped off his shirt more than anybody else in the book.

4. He as good as told Eragon Arya was wrong for him, and he was totally into the daughter of the guy who locked him up.

5. He is the brother of everyone's favorite hormonal, dragon-riding twit.

6. He stole the stupid named sword.

7. He's the son of a drunken sword-chucker and his wife/girlfriend/slut.

8. We're all in love with him, and we're still laughing at his expense.

9. He has fifty billion overly-obsessed fangirls.

10. I'm one of said fangirls.

11. He is going to be defeated by his hormonal, dragon-riding twit of a brother in the third book.

12. His dragon is coke-bottle red.

13.He got the same injury as Eragon.

14. Said hormonal twit is his brother.

15. He's into sword-chucking too. (He threw his sword at the Kull under Farthen Dûr.)

16. I really don't think he has much common sense.

17. He resorted to violence instead of simply telling Eragon he was Morzan's son.(They got into a stupid wrestling match over it.)

18. He named his horse after his servant. Wouldn't that get confusing?

19. The guy who taught him to fight has a name like a racist dwarf.

20. His name should be pronounced Mur-tog but stupid Paolini had it pronounced Mur-tag.

21. Saphira totally dissed his horse.

22. He is in love with the she who has been proven lamest so far.

23. He's too fricking hot for his own good.

24. He has serious anger issues.

25. He totally needs Dr. Phil.

26. He is almost as unobservant as Ajihad, and that's saying something.

27. How could he not realize that he and Eragon look exactly alike?

28. All he had to say to Eragon when he got that scar was, "Now you're just like me." That was pretty cold, even when dealing with that twit.

29. Paolini has yet to write anything from his point of view.

30. He is underappreciated by his creator.

31. Eragon has so much more luck than he does it's not even funny.

32. He was going to die from Kull rather then going to the Varden.

33. He is a rip-off of Aragorn.

34. He is also a rip-off of Han Solo.

35. All these rip-offs say he should be with Arya the Angry. Talk about weird pairings.

36. My nickname for him "Murtagh, the hot-yet-crazy."

Here is a skit detailing Murtagh's reluctance to go to the Varden.

Murtagh: Yo, dawg, ya see a way outta this joint?

Erago: Uh, no.

Murtagh: WTF, yo?

Eragon: I might have missed it. You know how I can be almost as unobservant as you.

Me: And that's saying something!

Murtagh: Dawg, dat line has been used way too many times.

Me: He spoke to me! –faints and vanishes in a puff of logic-

Saphira: She's making progress. She normally waits until somebody points out she shouldn't be here. Now, she seems to be coming to terms with that.

Me: As if.

Saphira: Just vanish in another puff of logic, already.

Me: Yes, ma'am. -vanishes in a puff of logic-

Murtagh: We be getting' off topic. Why the f--- didn't ya all tell the dawg dat I be trapped?

Eragon: I forgot.

Murtagh: Dawg, how many times has dat happened?

Saphira: Too many to count.

Eragon: It's not my fault I'm an idiot!

Saphira: If we don't move now, we're all gonna be Kull chow.

Me: That rhymed!

Saphira: -growls-

Me: Meep. –vanishes in a puff of logic-

Eragon: You know, I really don't get why you would rather die than go to the Varden..

Murtagh: Dawg, I be that hata Morzan's kid.

Eragon: No. Fricking. Way. Those prepared speech cards had fooled me.

Murtagh: Well, dawg, yeah, but dat's not da point.

Eragon: Then what is?

Murtagh: Da point be dis awesome scar!

Eragon: Ouch.

Murtagh: Dat all ya can say, dawg?

Eragon: On such short notice, yes.

Saphira: We're all gonna die if we don't fricking move.

Murtagh: Blue chick's got a point, dawg.

Eragon: Let's run.

That's the end of that skit. I hope you liked this chapter. I had more fun with it than I thought I would. Anyway, Eragon's next. I don't know when exactly "next" is gonna be but never mind. Here are the review responses.

Sedoras: Well, Sedoras, it turns out they can. Nobody really minded. I love Aragorn almost much as I love Murtagh, by the way.

DragonRider2000: That's what I thought. Thanks for number 26. Eragon is going to be so easy he's going to become hard. I'm serious. He had so much fodder for a chapter.

Bushes283: I agreed with that.

Ebz: I won't. Murtagh had to be done, and he has been done. (Do you realize how wrong that sounded? LOL.)

Meh: Oh, were you reading that chapter in computer class? Yeah, I understand. It would look a little weird if you burst out laughing during the teacher's explanation of Excell or whatever you were talking about. Sorry I did Murtagh. I hope this chapter amused you anyway.

Chris Blanchard: Thanks. I try.

Dreamgirloo: I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me.

Tahirih.luv2sew: I hope I didn't. Why did you make me loose the game? LOL. It's become quite contagious at my school.

Frostpaw: I can't wait for the CP chapter either. It's going to have a Monty Python tribute in it at the end right after the review responses. I hope everybody reads it.

Iwanttoread: I did, and you've just read it.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: You have declared, and it has been done. LOL.

Coffee Grounds: I understand fully. Eragon and CP are going to be so much fun.

Amantine: Thanks for being respectful. I hope you liked this chapter.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: If you're reading this, you've already read the Murtagh chapter. I'm glad you like this story.

Eragon will be up by Saturday. (At least I hope so.)


	29. Random Interlude

Random Interlude

Listen, I know I said I was going to do Eragon next, but my friend and I decided you might like this somewhere in here. It's a skit about how we think the final battle will play out. I think you'll enjoy. It's to give you something to read until Saturday. I've already begun the Eragon chapter, so sit tight.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon, anything by Monty Python, Lord of the Rings, the Y.M.C.A., or the Outsiders.

Me: -takes out prepared speech card and reads it- It was a not so dark and not so stormy morning. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Galby was completing his battle tradition. (As we all know, Galby only comes out of his palace for important urgencies such as final battles.)

What was this tradition, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

Chorus/Natalie/Jade: She's going to tell.

Me: I'm going to tell.

Chorus/Natalie/Jade: She's going to tell.

Me: I'm going to tell.

Sloan: Get to the point already, and tell us!

Me: Gwumpygills.

Jade: -to Sloan- Are you my fwiend?

Sloan: No.

Me: Are you _my_ fwiend?

Sloan: No.

Me: Anyway…

The chorus and authoress continue to sing "I'm going to tell" until Sloan turns purple.

Me: Fine, I'll really tell you.

Chorus: She'll really tell you.

Sloan: -smashes up miniature spine model because that it what he does when he is bored or severely annoyed-

Me: Galby does gymnastics in a pink tutu to the battle, and so do his troops.

Chorus/Natalie/Jade: Ooh.

Natalie: How like the Outsiders is this?

Me: I know it.

Galby: Let's go!

All Urû'baen's troops did an impressive medley of gymnastics until five hundred suffered sever neck injuries. Then, Galby had to break his tradition because he wanted to have an army by the time he got to the Burning Plains. Here's how Murtagh felt about this little tradition.

Murtagh: Dawg, I ain't wearin' dis chick suit.

Amy: Curly fry?

Murtagh: -takes curly fry- Dawg, dat is da bomb.

Amy: Well, I had one left over from my sojourn in Middle Earth. You wouldn't believe how much those Orcs love those curly fries. Anyway, I'm going back to Legolas-hunting.

Anyway, here's what was going down at the Varden.

Eragon: I have an idea!

Saphira: Not again.

Nasuada: Really? What?

Roran: Yeah? What?

Eragon: We should all do gymnastics on the way to the final battle!

Arya: No.

Eragon: Pwetty, pwetty pwease with a cherry on top.

Arya: -decks Eragon-

Nasuada: Awesome idea.

Roran: I totally agree.

Islanzadí: Oh, that is a wonderful idea.

Orik: Oh, yes. Dwarves are quite good at gymnastics. Hrothgar was national champion in his day.

Islanzadí: I don't see how you could be good at gymnastics.

Orik: -does three-hundred-sixty degree flip on the spot-

Islanzadí: I could do that. –tries and fails abysmally- Why can't I do it? Niduen! Bring my designer hankie!

Niduen: I'm cursed.

Islanzadí: -sobs hysterically into her designer hankie-

Oromis: I am too weak and feeble for such antics. I am truly sorry, Eragon-finiarel.

Orik: Take that, ELVES! –maims an elf doll while doing one-hundred-eighty degree back-flip-

Roran: I LOVE GYMNASTICS! –does a three-hundred-sixty degree flip off the steps-

Eragon tried to follow his cousin, but he found he could only do a three-hundred-ninety-three-and-one-third flip. You see, dear readers, he landed on his head and got a concussion.

Everyone else, except the elves who sucked at it, did gymnastics to the Burning Plains. Orrin was surprisingly limber at it.

Me: -shudders- That is just wrong.

Natalie: You're not kidding.

Amy: I had to come back from Legolas-hunting just to point out how wrong that is.

Jade: I've never read Eragon, so I don't know what you're talking about. –goes up to Orrin- Are you my fwiend?

Orrin: Do you like mercury?

Jade: Fwiend! –hugs a very uncomfortable-looking Orrin-

Anyway, here's what happened once they got to the Burning Plains. Eragon's concussion caused a few problems.

Eragon: Uh, how do I use this shiny piece of metal?

Saphira: Swing it, dolt.

Eragon: Define "swing."

Random Galby-soldier: -goes to hit Eragon-

Eragon: Do you swing like this? –hits Random Galby-soldier on the head-

Saphira: -smacks head-

Galby: -bounds up in pink tutu-

Eragon: Who are you again?

Galby: I'm your fricking king!

Eragon: What was I supposed to do when I met you again?

Galby did an incredible twirl and killed Eragon with its perfection.

Saphira: Well, at least I'm free of that idiot. Glaedr, will you…

Glaedr: No.

Saphira: But I haven't even asked…

Glaedr: You didn't need to.

At nightfall, everyone was still fighting. Suddenly a soldier yelled:

Random soldier: Hey, it's nightfall! We can't fight at night!

Me: That rhymed!

Random soldier: I suppose it did. Anyway, where do we go from here?

Roran: How about the Y.M.C.A.

All: Great idea.

Roran: There's something we've gotta do first though.

All: What?

Roran: Young man - there's no need to feel down.  
I said - young man, pick yourself off the ground.  
I said - young man, 'cause you're in a new town.  
There's no need to be unhappy.

Young man - there's a place you can go.  
I said - young man, when you're short on your dough,  
You can stay there, and I'm sure you I'll tell you will find  
Many ways to have a good time.

Now everybody!

All: It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
They have everything for young men to enjoy.  
You can hang out with all the boys.  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.  
You can get yourself clean  
You can have a good meal  
You can do whatever you feel.

Murtagh: Dawg, dat song is older dan da really fricking old guy.

Me: Well, that's why they're singing it.

Roran: Young man - are you listening to me?  
I said - young man, what do you want to be?  
I said - young man, you can make real your dreams,  
but you've got to know this one thing.

No man, does it all by himself.  
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf  
And just go there, to the Y.M.C.A.  
I'm sure they can help you today.

All: It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
They have everything for young men to enjoy.  
You can hang out with all the boys.  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.  
You can get yourself clean.  
You can have a good meal.  
You can do whatever you feel.

Young Man, I was once in your shoes,  
I said, I was down and out with the blues  
I felt - No man cared if I were alive  
I felt the whole world was so jive

That's when someone came up to me   
and said young man take a walk up the street  
There's a place there called the Y.M.C.A.  
They can start you back on your way.

All: It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
They have everything For young men to enjoy.  
You can hang out with all the boys.  
Y.M.C.A.  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.  
Young man, Young man, there's no need to feel down.  
Young man, Young man, pick yourself off the ground.

Y.M.C.A.  
just go to the Y.M.C.A.  
Young Man, Young Man, I was once in your shoes,  
Young Man, Young Man, I was out with the blues.

Y.M.C.A.  
Y.M.C.A.  
Y.M.C.A.   
Y.M.C.A.

With that they all did- wait for it, that's right, you guessed it- gymnastics to the Y.M.C.A. When morning came, they all did gymnastics back to the Burning Plains, and the battle began again.

Everyone was killing everyone. Murtagh and his brothas from anotha motha had gotten out their gansta guns and opened fire on everybody. Needless to say, twas getting quite nasty out there.

This all disgusted Roran. He felt the need to make another speech. He stood up and began:

Roran: Friends, enemies, fellow pacifists,

I think all this senseless fighting should stop.

Why should we continue this meaningless slaughter?

Murtagh, do you and your "brothas from anotha motha" really need those guns?

Murtagh/Dawg pound: Yeah, dawg.

Roran: My less than brilliant cousin lost his life out there. I feel very passionately that we should stop all this and hug each other.

Jade: That's what I said!

Roran: Thank you, doll.

Katrina: Why did you call her doll? You never call me doll?

All: -ignore Katrina-

Sloan: Oh man, you are gay.

Murtagh: Not-so-straight-up, dawg.

Roran: I-I-I'm speechless.

Me/Natalie: Roran, you might as well just fess up.  
Really you're a different kind of guy.  
Move aside your scabbard,  
For underneath your tabard  
There is waiting to escape a butterfly.

Chorus/Jade: His...name...is Roran-a-lot  
And in tight pants a lot.  
He likes to dance a lot.  
You know you do.

Roran: I do?

Chorus/Jade: So just say thanks a lot  
And try romance, it's hot!  
Let's find out who's really you.  
His name is Roran-a-lot.  
He visits France a lot.  
He likes to dance a lot and dream.  
No one would ever know  
That this outrageous pro  
Bats for the other team.

Me/Natalie: You're a knight who really likes his night life  
And by day you really like to play  
You can all find him pumping at the gym  
At the Alagaësian Y.M.C.A.!

Chorus/Jade: His name is Roran-a-lot.  
La, la, la  
Just watch him dance a lot.  
La, la, la  
He doesn't care what people say.  
La, la, la

Roran: No way!

Chorus/Jade: For when he starts to dance  
La, la, la  
Just grab your underpants.  
La, la, la

Me/Natalie: He can finally come out and say that he is G.A.

Chorus/Jade/Natalie/Me: Y.M.C.A.

He's gay!

Roran: OK!

-speaking to Katrina- Katrina, I've done a lot of thinking and getting to know myself lately, and I do love you. I've just discovered, as of recently, that I like men.

Vanir: So have I!

Roran: No way!

Vanir: Yes, way!

Roran: Let's get married in Vegas!

Vanir: I'm down with that!

Murtagh: Dat, dawgs, was da weirdest thang.

Me: I know, wasn't it?

Galby: Well, should we get back to the battle?

All: Yeah.

Here's how the ending played out: Amy came back from Legolas-hunting with a lifetime supply of curly fries. Galby ate all of this lifetime supply in one minute, had a heart-attack, and died. (That's why the term is "lifetimes supply". Read the fine-print people.) Arya died old, grey, bitter, and single. (There weren't any cats, though. They didn't want to go near Arya the Angry.) Murtagh and Nasuada got married in Vegas along with Roran and Vanir. They all did an incredible gymnastics routine to the wedding chapel. Roran decided to join the fab-five. (He taught guys how to accessorize their power-tools.) My friends and I went back to our world. Amy didn't ever find Legolas. Twas tragic. Anyway, that's the end of this Random Interlude. I've already started the Eragon chapter and will reply to both sets of reviews to both chapters in the next chapter. Eragon still should come up on Saturday, hopefully.


	30. Eragon

Ch. 30

Tis Eragon's turn, folks.

Disclaimer: Do you really, honest-to-God, deep down in your heart believe Christopher Paolini, Tamora Pierece, George Lucas, or J.K. Rowling wrote this? If you do, you need some serious help.

1. His emotional range is the size of my school. I could get lost in it on my first day.

2. He won't take the hint from Arya, and leave her alone already.

3. He tried to jump over a river. How thick could you get?

4. He broke is wrist jumping over said river.

5. He's going to be blonde in the movie.

6. He's wannabe shmexy.

7. He got a random scar from Old Fire Engine Head.

8. He yelled at the racist dwarves for being concerned about his seizures caused by said scar.

9. He gets no respect.

10. Trianna was totally into him, and all he had to say was, "Food."

11. He has a tendency to forget important details. Here is a skit detailing all of Eragon's escapades of forgetting important details.

Eragon: I must stop the Urgals. Gobbledygook.

Urgals: Sup with the mist? Oh well. –charge through the mist-

Eragon: I think I'm gonna puke.

Murtagh: Dawg, don't barf on the dawg.

Saphira: Don't even think about puking on me. Remember what the guy who was really fricking old, so old in fact you really wouldn't believe, said about magic loosing its effect over distance?

Eragon: Nope.

Next skit.

Eragon: We need water. I shall try to turn this sand into water even though it is clearly beyond my abilities. I feel like I'm gonna puke.

Saphira: Idiot. What are you going to do next: try to bring somebody back from the dead?

Eragon: Come to think of it…

Saphira: -growls-

Eragon: Meep.

12. He faints a lot.

13. He was supposedly in love with Arya, but he was perfectly willing to lay Trianna.

14. He totally has a thing for his teacher with the hairless groin.

15. He was trained by a guy who was really fricking old, so old in fact you really wouldn't believe it.

16. He was then trained by a teacher with a hairless groin.

17. His hormonal dragon is in love with her artifact of a teacher.

18. Said dragon will probably end up falling for his hot-yet-crazy brother's coke-bottle red dragon.

19. He just doesn't rip off his shirt like Murtagh and Roran do.

20. I'd say he's less hot than his brother and cousin.

21. He often gets paired up with his own brother in fan fiction.

22. He often gets paired up with Arya the Angry in fan fiction.

23. He often gets paired up with Mary-Sues other than Arya in fan fiction.

24. He's been paired up with Old Vanity Smurf before.

25. He's also been paired up with his hairless-groined teacher.

26. He is probably going to get paired up with Arya in the book.

27. He tried to sell a dragon egg cheap to a useless butcher.

28. He was friends with the random, big blacksmith.

29. He was in love with his cousin's fiancée with no purpose before he met Arya.

30. He could tell Arya was beautiful when he hadn't even seen her face.

31. He gets emo when Arya says she doesn't love him

32. He's a crappy liar.

33. He yelled at Murtagh for killing the slaver, but he barely batted an eye when Angela decided to poison all the soldiers.

34. If we accept number 33 as true, he's a filthy hypocrite.

35. He's "in love" with what he can't have.

36. He and his dragon got drunk on the eve of the man-who-generously-sheltered-them-from-the-orc-wannabe's funeral.

37. He is friends with a racist dwarf.

38. Old Vanity Smurf mocked him.

39. He wasn't very good at standing up for himself when said mocking occurred.

40. He thinks he's all that.

41. He can't sing.

42. His dragon has been proven quite lame.

43. He sucks at riddles.

44. He sucks at debating.

45. It took him fricking forever to come up with a good answer to Oromis' question about why he was fighting lame, old Galby.

46. He is the only reason Arya is in the story.

47. His cousin has anger issues.

48. He wasn't even cool enough to be given anger issues.

49. Jeod ignored him.

50. He is probably going to be the love interest of Nasuada.

51. He often gets paired up with his hot-yet-crazy older brother's love interest in fan fiction.

52. He doesn't seem to get that Arya just might not be the one for him.

53. He is ready to ignore the fact that is about eighty-five years older than he is.

54. After finding out that his "love" was a princess, he didn't even realize that her father was Evandar, even though it had already been mentioned.

55. He got along with most of the racist elves.

56. He's become a racist elf.

57. He will no doubt be ripped up in effigy by Orik.

58. Speaking of which, here's a slightly revised version of Orik's reaction to Eragon's transformation.

Orik: Holy Helzvog! You look like an elf! rips up Eragon elf-doll

59. He was upset that he couldn't figure out the racist dwarves' puzzle. I only get slightly upset when I can't figure out the f---ing rubix cubes. (Nobody heard me call them that. We're all clear on that, right?)

60. He thought the Fanghur were dragons.

61. Well, he thought they were hawks first.

62. He got his butt kicked by Arya.

63. He also got said butt kicked by Vanir.

64. He got said butt kicked by Murtagh.

65. He creepified Elva.

66. He is a rip-off of Luke Skywalker.

67. He is a rip-off of Frodo.

68. He is a rip-off of Jon from the Tamora Pierce books.

69. He's a rip-off of King Arthur.

70. He is most likely the really fricking old guys kid.

71. If not, he's the drunken sword-chucker's kid.

72. He was totally into Trianna.

73. He is probably going to end up with Nasuada if he doesn't end up with Arya the Angry.

74. His "love" will probably cheat on him with Roran or Murtagh.

75. With all these flaws, he's still a Gary-Stue.

Here is a skit detailing Eragon's love for Arya.

Eragon: Arya, you're perty.

Arya: -goes into a knee-slapping fit-

Eragon: No, seriously. You're as pretty as this flower that some long-dead guy made for you.

Arya: Fäolin! –runs off to mourn dead guard-

Orik: We're here to witness his training. –twitches because he's in the presence of two elves and he forgot his elf dolls-

Arya: Ditto.

Orormis: Well, I can't really allow that.

Orik: Say that again, ELF! –brandishes axe-

Oromis: You may stay.

Orik: That's what I thought.

Eragon: I shall make a fairth. I can't concentrate on that stupid tree when my Arya-poo is here. –makes fairth- That's hot.

Paris Hilton: You stole my line! Ooh. Wait. Would you like to be the next guy I eat, spit up, and leave sobbing outside my driveway?

Eragon: It's tempting. I won't leave my Arya-poo!

Paris Hilton: It was worth a try –vanishes in a puff of logic-

Me: How did that bitch get into the story?

Emily: How do you know she's a bitch?

Me: You have a point there.

Kate: Emily, she's a bitch. Trust me.

Me: Please, don't start this again.

Oromis: Do you three belong in this story?

Emily/Kate/Me: No. –vanish in puffs of logic-

Oromis: Let me see the fairth.

Arya the Angry: -breaks fairth-

Eragon: Why does Arya not love me?

Oromis: I really do not wish to dampen your self esteem anymore by answering honestly.

Eragon: That sure made me feel better. I think I'll apologize.

Arya: Eragon, what have they done to you? You look like one of my racist race.

Eragon: Arya, have I told you that I love you?

Arya: That's it. We can't be friends anymore.

Eragon: Why?

Saphira: She warned fifty-million times.

Eragon: But I don't get it.

Saphira: I'm sure you don't.

That is the end of the Eragon chapter. My two friends actually had a fight over whether or not Paris Hilton was actually stupid quite recently. That's why that part was in this chapter. Here are the review responses for chapter twenty-nine.

Bananasrokk: I love Spamalot. I was so happy when I got to see it in New York. It shall go on forever. I always thought there was something up with Vanir too.

Unluckybob: If I see anybody I want to mock in the third book, I will.

Tyqueen64: I randomly start laughing at fan fics too. I hope you liked the Eragon chapter.

Snowlia: Yeah, I did.

Natalie: I had to make him join the Fab-Five. No, you don't know Amy, Jade, Emily, or Kate. It was your idea to mock the final battle, so you got thrown in there.

Sedoras: You know what's funny? I watched A Few Good Men last night. That's so weird. Anyway, I didn't forget puffs of logic. I just didn't need them. They were necessary in this chapter though.

Nasuada: Well, Roran just had to be gay. I suppose Murtagh's gansta did go too far. Oh well. I hoped you liked the Eragon chapter. Thanks for numbers 14, 33, and 34.

Amantine: Thanks.

Ebz: I'm glad you liked that scene. Jade and Amy are both like that.

DragonRider2000: I love Kelly Clarkson. Anyway, I'm sorry you almost woke your parents up. :D

Tahirih.luv2sew: I agree with you on that. You just made me loose the game. I was winning too. Sorry Y.M.C.A.'s stuck in your head.

Coffee Grounds: I don't. I'm stuck rooting for the Orioles, actually. Sometimes they're good, I guess. Baseball is the only sport I understand besides swimming and crew and I've done the last two.

Dreamless Wind: Who doesn't? Eragon died in the fic for your happiness.

Tallacus: Too true.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: So is the rest of the fic.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Thanks.

Here are the review responses for chapter twenty-eight.

Meh: I have a pointless holiday on Monday too. My school's calling it Headmistress Day. They can't admit that it's for Columbus Day for some odd reason. I reread parts of Eragon occasionally, so it wasn't that hard.

DragonRider2000: You have a point there.

Bananasrokk: I sure don't! LOL. I have no idea why Murtagh speaks gansta. I was rather sugar-high when I wrote Brom's chapter. The shot heard round the world.

Lyokolady: And I did.

Aneet: You made me loose the game again. Those people in your school sound like fun-suckers.

Ebz: Yeah, it is. I won't put too much Murtagh/Nasuada in the next chapter, and I didn't in this one. I hope you're happy. LOL.

Frostpaw: Like I said for Bananasrokk, sugar-high. Eragon was really, really long.

Sedoras: It started hard and ended up being so easy. I love Gollum, and I just can't make fun of Elva. It's not her fault she's creepy. Tomorrow will most likely be Chris' day.

Amantine: Thanks for numbers 2 and 12.

Nasuada: I'm glad you're glad. It was a diss Murtagh page/promote Murtagh page. I couldn't make up my mind. My friend and I have often wondered what would happen if Paolini read this. Hopefully, he wouldn't take it seriously. It's just a joke, after all.

P.S. Do you have any idea what his email address is?

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations.

Drowned-inlight: Thanks for numbers 5, 21-23, 55, 66-69, and 74. I never realized that he was a rip-off of all those Tamora Pierce guys, but he is. Numair is far too awesome to be like Eragon though. I think Numair is my all-time favorite Tamora Pierce guy. He is so like Jon though.

Random Reviewer 2: I agree with you about the whole Trianna and Nasuada thing too. That's why they're numbers 71 and 72.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: Thanks for number 3. That was stupid.

Rock Not War: I'm glad you do.

Snowlia: Yes, he is. I agree with you 100 on both points.

Coffee Grounds: That is odd. Yeah, well, I don't think any of us would survive that wrestling match, but you know.

Fogpelt: I don't have enough fodder for Thorn.

Epister: Yeah, I did.

Cheesy Goodness: You're not kidding.

Tallacus: You gave me some help. That's all. I can't make fun of a movie that hasn't even come out yet. Murtagh had to be dissed too.

Paolini is next! Woot! Woot!


	31. CP

CP

Dear readers,

Here is the moment you have all been waiting for. I have spent this entire fic making fun of all the Eragon characters. Now, I must mock the author. Let's get philosophical for a moment though. It has been said, "I guess there's a little bit of looser in all of us." Well, this fic is out to find it.

Disclaimer: I have never and do not now own Eragon, the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Beowulf, Spaceballs, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, or anything by Monty Python. But I will someday. Oh, yes, I will. Muhahahahha! What? I was kidding. Really, honestly and truly kidding.

He was home-schooled.

He thought that was better than going to regular school.

He has a really boring voice.

He scares me almost as much as Steven Tyler, Mick Jagger, and Keith Richardson do.

He scares my friend too.

People have stolen his limited edition reading glasses in this fic to read prepared speech cards.

He wrote all the material for this fic.

Arya is his fantasy girl.

Here's a scene where he hits on Arya.

CP: Greetings, beautiful one.

Arya: You have got to be kidding me.

CP: I'm serious.

Arya: I thought Eragon was bad, but this takes the cake.

CP: You're not supposed to use modern-day expressions.

Murtagh: Dawg, dat expression ain't modern.

CP: You're not supposed to talk like that! You're supposed to be all formal.

Murtagh: Jesus, dawg. What choo bein' a hata for?

CP: This is not right!

Me: That's because I wrote it.

CP: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! –runs away-

Murtagh: You gonna disappear in dem puffs o' logic now?

Me: Of course. –vanishes in a puff of logic-

He thinks he's a brilliant as Tolkien. NOBODY IS AS BRILLIANT AS TOLKIEN! NO ONE! YOU HEAR? I've calmed down now.

He ripped-off so many things from Star Wars and LoTR.

Here's a skit recounting his inspiration to write Eragon.

CP: -reads LoTR- That was an awesome book. –watches Star Wars- That was an awesome movie. Hey. I think I'll write a book that rips them off.

He's written way too many Mary-Sues.

The two unique, non-rip-off characters in the book (Angela and Solembum) were created by his sister.

If we accept number 12 as true, his sister should be writing books.

His book only got published because his parents were published.

He writes really long author's notes at the end of his stories that nobody bothers to read.

His book website is lame. (It's either that, or I just can't figure out how to work it.)

He still lives with his parents, and he's 22.

He writes in a really old style.

Everyone speaks too formally.

He doesn't even do that very well.

He speaks in all the languages he made up.

Somebody told me the ancient language is actually Icelandic or old Norse.

He has too many Beowulf names. (Hrothgar it the name of the king Beowulf goes to help slay Grendel.)

I bet he loves the Renaissance festival.

He thinks he's smart.

He wants to be Eragon.

He writes stories where all the guys rip off their shirts.

Summerset is in love with him.

We all love his book, and we're still making fun of him.

He looks stupid in all the author photos.

He's a Tolkien wannabe.

People are obsessed with the fact that he wrote the book when he was fifteen.

He didn't actually finish the books when he was fifteen.

He wrote it when he was seventeen, which is still pretty amazing but still.

All his battle scenes are ripped from the LoTR scenes.

He has a really boring voice.

Here is a scene where I meet with the big cheese himself.

Two members of the Underground Order of Small Persons with Big Heads (UOSPBH) walked down the long corridor towards Christopher Paolini's door. They were his spies, and they had something very important to show him. They reached the door and wondered briefly for a moment why it was pink and covered with green flowers. The smaller small person stood on the larger small person's shoulders and opened the door. They went through it and saw the back of a large chair. It swung around to reveal Christopher Paolini sitting back and talking into a pink razor phone from Cingular, the network with the fewest dropped calls.

CP: -drops razor- Knock next time! Knock! Did you see anything?

UOSPBH: No, sir, we did not just see you talking on your pink razor again.

CP: Very good. Now, please explain this unnecessary intrusion.

UOSPBH: We found this on the internet. –throw piece of paper on the table titled "Why Galbatorix Is Lame"-

CP: -pulls out limited edition reading glasses stolen back by the UOSPBH and reads the story- Oh, dear. I am not creepy! Murtagh has never talked like a gangsta. Oh, dear. Do you think Arya is a Mary-Sue?

UOSPBH: -shuffle feet-

CP: Do you?

UOSPBH: Of course not.

CP: Oh my. This is very insulting. Bring me this "alsdssg".

UOSPBH: Yes, sir.

CP: -picks up pink razor- Okay, sorry. What were you saying, Monique?

UOSPBH: We have found her, master.

CP: -drops pink razor-

Me: Cool phone.

CP: You really like it? I mean- you may be wondering why I have brought you here.

Me: You found my fic?

CP: How did you figure that out? Did you guys tell her anything?

UOSPBH: No, sir. We just called her by her fan fiction name.

CP: Oh.

Me: That was a pretty big clue.

CP: I must ask you, why did you write this fic?

Me: I was bored.

CP: That's all?

Me: Pretty much.

CP: You say this is one of the saner things you've done in the midst of boredom?

Me: Well, one time I was hungry, and I was too lazy to look for bread, so I ate a roast beef sandwich on angel food cake.

CP: Eww. Doll, that is such a bad idea.

Me: I was lazy and bored.

CP: Anyway, why did you make Roran and Vanir gay?

Me: They act gay.

CP: They do not. Roran is madly in love with Katrina!

Me: You mean the pointless Mary-Sue?

CP: She is not a Mary-Sue.

Me: What is her purpose?

CP: …..

Me: Exactly.

CP: That's it! Throw her in the dungeons.

Fab Five/Roran: We're here to re-decorate you house!

CP: Could you come back later? I'm trying to- Holy s---! Roran! What are you doing with them?

Roran: I gave up on the whole "straight guy" thing and decided to help men accessorize their power-tools.

CP: What is my book coming to?

Me: It's been going down hill for awhile.

CP: It has not.

Me: Well, it's really just me. You see, I've been writing this fic. I'm writing this right now. It's rather confusing.

CP: Yes, it is. I feel so depressed.

Abby: Do you need a hug?

Me: I think he does.

CP: I'm trying to be depressed here!

Abby: You know, I've never read Eragon before.

CP: You're not making me feel better.

Jade: Are you my fwiend?

CP: I'm losing it!

Amy: Curly fry?

CP: Oh, yes, thank you. –eats curly fry- I'm losing it.

Me: This time please someone come and rescue me  
'Cause you on my mind it's got me losing it.  
I'm lost, you got me lookin' for the rest of me.  
Love is testing me but still I'm losing it.

Tess: This time please someone come and rescue me  
'Cause you on my mind, it's got me losing it  
I'm lost, you got me looking for the rest of me,  
Got the best of me, so now I'm losing it

CP: Huh?

Me/Tess: Human jukebox.

Me: America's rotted my brain, and whenever I hear a line from a song, I've gotta sing it.

Tess: Ditto.

CP: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Jade: That's the spirit!

Amy: Keep up those positive thoughts.

All: We'll be going now.

UOSPBH: Wait! You must go to the dungeons.

Me: No.

Christine: Don't you dare hurt the short people!

Me: I'm not gonna hurt them.

Christine: Damn, right you're not.

All including UOSPBH: Bye, CP.

That's the end of that skit. Make sure to read through all the review responses. There's something at the end. Speaking of which, here are the review responses.

DragonRider2000: I'm glad it was. I think I'll put this fic on hiatus until the movie comes out, then I'll write a chapter about it. I can't believe that they made Arya blond. It's bugging me.

Natalie: Oh, happy birthday. I won't sing because you know I can't sing. Anyway, I'm glad you thought it was hilarious. Thanks for the Underground Order of Small Person with Big Heads. P.S. This Tess isn't the Tess you know.

Tyqueen64: I hope you liked this Paolini chapter, and I'm glad you liked the Eragon one.

Rock Not War: Thanks.

Dreamless Wind: Thanks for number 9.

Fogpelt: I hope you liked this chapter. Thanks for number 36.

Ebz: I'm glad you liked it and think my friends are funny. Amy always jokes about going to Middle Earth on curly fry day, getting in the middle of a big battle, and saying, "Curly fry?"

Cheesey Goodness: Thanks. I hope I did CP justice.

Tahirih.luv2sew: He didn't get the most. Eragon as the main character got the most by far. CP was up there though.

Nasuada: Kate is very happy that you agree with her. (Actually, I haven't even told her that everyone thought she was right about Paris Hilton, but never mind.) That part of that chapter came up randomly. Thanks for numbers 2, 9-11, and 14. Also, thanks for inspiring me to write the skit where Paolini hits on Arya.

Coffee Grounds: I'm glad you liked it.

Soul of Power ROCKS OUT LOUD: I'm glad you liked it, and it lived up to your expectations.

Amantine: Nobody came even close to getting that many disses. I put the fact that Paolini was creepy in there because I needed a reason and I think it's funny when Summerset flames. I miss her flames. Abby and I both think her flames were funny.

Here the Monty Python Shout Out! Read it.

CP: Wait! I still don't understand why you wrote this fic.

Me: Haven't I explained it enough?

CP: NO!

Me: Fine then. I didn't wanna have to do this, but you really leave me no choice.

CP: -sweat drops- What are you going to do?

Me: I'm afraid I must explain my reasoning with a song.

Matthew/Natalie/the cow: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't do that. Anything but that.

Me: I know I can't sing to save my life. Guys, I really do. He's left me no choice. I must do this.

(Now, for a brief Monty Python's Spamalot Shout Out.)

Matthew/Natalie/the cow: Run away. Run away. Run away.

CP: I guess they all ran away.

Me: I guess it's just you and me. Here goes.

Once in every fandom  
There comes a fic like this  
It starts off soft and low  
And ends up with a diss  
Oh where is the fic  
That goes like this?  
Where is it? Where? Where?

An unsentimental fic  
That casts a magic spell  
They all will laugh along  
Summerset will overreact like hell  
For this is the fic that goes like this  
Yes it is! Yes it is!

Now we can go straight  
Right down the middle eight  
A bridge that is too far for me

I'll write it in your face  
While we both wear a neck brace  
And then  
We change  
The key

(We add skits)

Now we're into E!  
hem That's awfully hard for me  
But as everyone can see  
We should have stayed in D (no skits)  
For this is our fic that goes like this!

I'm feeling very proud  
We're laughing far too loud  
That's the way that this fic goes  
I'm standing on Paolini's prose  
Writing my fic that goes like this!

I can't believe there's more  
It's far too long, I'm sure  
That's the trouble with this fic  
It goes on and on and on  
For this is our fic that is too long!

We'll be reading this til dawn  
You'll wish that you weren't born  
Let's stop this damn refrain  
Before we go insane  
For this is my fic that ends like this!


	32. The Movie

Ch. 32

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon or its movie. I am so happy I don't own the movie.

This chapter is making fun of the movie. Let's get cracking.

The script sucked to the high heavens.

Said script was so bad I laughed when Brom was dying.

Said script was ripped off from way too many movies to even name.

Nothing made sense. The following is a list of things that did not make sense.

Murtagh wanted to go to the Varden. Since when did Murtagh wanna go to the Varden?

Arya didn't have pointy ears. Jesus Christ, they're cheap.

Despite the fact that Arya's "raven black locks" are described every other page of any part of Eragon or Eldest she's in, they made her blonde.

The torture scenes weren't tortured scenes. In Lord of the Rings, if they tortured you, you were tortured.

The battle at the end sucked to the high heavens. It was just Saphira breathing fire.

Brom died at Gil'ead.

Murtagh hadn't joined them by Gil'ead.

Murtagh had only ten minutes in the movie.

Angela wasn't awesome.

There was no Solembum.

Eragon looked five. (Except at that one part where he was wearing leather pants and no shirt. Then, I drooled slightly.)

Eragon was blonde. He's not blonde.

Roran was blonde. See above.

Saphira grew up in the span of two seconds.

When this happened, it wasn't even one of those things they do when they skip a couple months or years.

Eragon didn't get the name from Brom.

Saphira just introduced herself as Saphira.

It was more of a rip-off than the book, and that's saying something.

I am so happy I didn't go to see it alone because I would have had to make snide comments to the stranger sitting next to me.

If Galbatorix is what he's like in the movie, I don't believe I did him justice in chapter one. He is so much more generic than that.

It was overly dramatized.

It could possibly be the best bad movie ever (i.e. the worst movie ever).

They weren't even trying to make it bad like they were with Plan 9 from Outer Space.

I don't even know if they can do Eldest because of all the things they did to Eragon.

This will probably mean that they will cut out all the parts with Roran, i.e. half the movie.

I bet they made CP cry because they mutilated his book so much.

It was only an hour and forty minutes. How can you do a book that long in an hour and forty minutes?

This might actually be a good thing if they messed it up that badly, I might have gotten thrown out of the theater for yelling at the screen. I was so close to doing that at the end of the movie. Given another hour, I might have snapped. Either that or I would have laughed at the serious parts. Oh. Wait. I already did that.

Murtagh didn't rip off his shirt properly.

His scar was in the wrong place.

They gave Eragon more credit than he got in the book. Here is a list of all the times they gave him more credit than he deserved.

Eragon killed the Ra'zac.

Eragon shot Durza, not Murtagh.

Eragon didn't get captured and taken to Gil'ead.

Eragon didn't get hurt in the battle at the end; Saphira did.

All he did was healing her and almost die.

Here is a skit where I rip into the directors and screenwriters.

CP: What did you do to my book?  
Director: I have no idea what you mean.

CP: This wasn't how it happened.

Angela Paolini: You took out my idea. You took out Solembum.

Me: I know. How could you do that?

CP: Not you.

Me: I'm on your side this time.

CP: With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Screenwriters: Ooh, we should've ripped that line off in the movie.

Me: You ripped-off enough stuff. Trust me. I mean, the line, "This is for Brom," is so like what Obi-wan says when he kills Darth Maul.

Screenwriters: That was incident.

Me: My brother came up with fifteen others.

Screenwriters: What?  
Matthew: Here is my list. –reads extensive list-

Screenwriters: Well, you have to admit they were good lines.  
Me: From the movies they came from, maybe.

Screenwriters: But it was good besides the rip-offs, right?

Me: I laughed during Brom's death scene because of the lines. You tell me.

CP: That's mutilation for you.

Screenwriters: It was supposed to be sad.

Me/CP: We know.

Abby: If it makes you feel any better, the dragons were cool.  
Me: And baby Saphira was cute.

Kate: Eragon was hot.

Me: Murtagh was hotter.

Kate: No, Eragon was.

Me: No, Murtagh was.

Abby: You screenwriters made the death scene borderline slash! I don't wanna slash Eragon/Brom.

Director: But you liked some stuff?  
Me: Yeah.

Screenwriters: Oh good.

Me: None of it was credited to you.

Screenwriters: Pout.

CP: You know, I actually hate you less now.

Me: That's the way. Get rid of your hatred.

CP: Are you going to write anymore for Empire?  
Me: Hell yeah.

Amy: You mean Heck yes.

Me: Heck yes.

CP: I suddenly hate you again.

Me: I thought you might.

That's the end of chapter 32. I'm going back on hiatus until Empire. My first three characters to mock will be

Thorn

Shruikan

The green dragon

(That was a ballot.)

Then I will do any other new characters. Then I will go back through my list of chapters, and I will add half the number of reasons for lameness that I already gave them. I will not re-mock characters that do not appear in Empire though. Anyway, here are the review responses.

Murtaghlvr: Gansta Murtagh is the product of sugar high.

Smokey-eyed Beauty: I actually have a fear Paolini will make his Mary Sue (coughAryacough) be the next rider. I want it to be Roran or Nasuada.

Tigerstripe: Thanks. I'm glad you thought that was my funniest chapter ever. Abby has read Eragon and Eldest by this time though.

Emery Flutterby: I'm glad I gave you a way to avoid homework. LOL. 'Tis an honor.

Mystery Person (Anonymous): Haha. The fic isn't over. I have one question: if you hate the fic, why did you read all the chapters and review twice? I'm actually somewhat smart. I got the message that you didn't like me the first time.

Lazy Person: Here's a continuation, and there will be more of one later. Gansta Murtagh was sugar high.

Callernumber16onz100: Here's the movie chapter. I hope you enjoyed.

Bananasrokk: The Song That Goes Like This was quite possibly my favorite song in the whole musical. Of course, I also loved He Is Not Yet Dead.

Smelybel: You find what I did petty, but you don't find anything at all reprehensible about the fact that you keep reading and criticizing the same story over and over again and you think it's okay to call someone you've never met a "fukin slut"? Interesting. Well, good luck with that.

Meh: It was only a temporary finale, but I'm glad you liked it.

Shurtugal7000: Oh, that was a Monty Python song. I only tweaked it a little.

Kitty and Amethyst: Nothing. I just had something against the fact that he thought it was better than public schooling.

DragonRider2000: You're right. I should've put that in there. Australia's cool though. Plus, I thought the guy who played Roran was hot. Oh well.

Sango-Rox: No, it's just on temporary hiatus. It'll be on hiatus until Empire comes out and I read it. Thanks for defending me against Summerset, who is now BobMcMinton.

Amantine: No, it's not.

BobMcMinton: Summerset, did you really expect me to not take offense to being called a whore, especially by somebody who's never met me? I did at first, but then I thought about it, and I think it's actually quite funny. I know I have loser in me; who doesn't? Hey, will you do me a favor and actually respond to something I say? Perhaps you could explain why you called me a whore. It interests me. Also, explain why you claim to hate this fic, but keep reading it anyway.

SOPROL: Thanks. Yes, I am continuing.

Ebz: No, it's not it. Well, it is until Empire comes out. I like the Rolling Stones too by the way. They're a little creepy looking, but they have good music.

Rock Not War: Thanks.

Silvershadowkittie: A Mary Sue is an overly perfect, unrealistic character who gets on the reader's nerves. Don't worry. I didn't know what a Mary Sue was for a while.

Coffee Grounds: No, no one can take over Tolkien. Orlando Bloom is sexy, and so is Viggo Mortinsen. I don't care if he's older than my parents. He's hot.

Dreamless Wind: I was a little upset when I didn't have anything else to do. Well, I had other fics. I can't wait until Empire comes out. I can update this, and I can find out the ending.

Cheesey Goodness: Monty Python is awesome. This fic isn't over yet either. It just won't be updated until Empire comes out.

Xo-MidnightSun-ox: No, it's not over. Just wait until Empire comes out.

Tallacus: I guess that makes it easier to understand him. LOL. I hope he finishes is too. I want to know what happens to everyone.


End file.
